Ever After
by The-Queen-of-Hearts29
Summary: Katniss has survived the Hunger Games, the Rebellion, and the deaths of those she loves. This is the story of everything that happened after. How Panem was rebuilt better than ever. How she fell in love. How she learned to live once again. KatnissXPeeta
1. Chapter 1

**Hello, world. I am not sure if anybody will like this story (because I am, of course, not the writing god Suzanne Collins is) but I just kinda got the idea, and wanted to see if it would take me anywhere. Here is the first chapter of the story that I am hoping will have plenty more. Tell me if you like it or not:)

* * *

**

**Ever After**

1**  
**

"It's was the waste of a trip. She's not here," I tell him. Buttercup hisses again. "She's not here. You can hiss all you like. You won't find Prim." At her name, he perks up. Raises his flattened ears. Begins to meow hopefully. "Get out!" He dodges the pillow I throw at him. "Go away! There's nothing left for you here!" I start to shake, furious with him. "She's not coming back! She's never ever coming back here again!" I grab another pillow and get to my feet to improve my aim. Out of nowhere, the tears begin to pour down my cheeks. "She's dead." I clutch my middle to dull the pain. Sink down on my heels, rocking the pillow, crying. "She's dead, you stupid cat. She's dead." A new sound, part crying, part singing, comes out of my body, giving voice to my despair. Buttercup begins to wail as well. No matter what I do, he won't go. He circles me, just out of reach, as wave after wave of sobs racks my body, until eventually I fall unconscious. But he must understand. He must know that the unthinkable has happened and to survive will require previously unthinkable acts. Because hours later, when I come to in my bed, he's there in the moonlight. Crouched beside me, yellow eyes alert, guarding me from the night.

The world seems to beat down on me at that moment. I feel everything, ten times, a hundred times, a thousand times worse than before. I see all the faces that died because of me, swimming right before my eyes where more and more tears were welling up. Many of them I practically owe my life to. Rue, who became my ally and warned me about the tracker jackers, who was mercilessly killed right before me, who I sang to in her last moment of life. Cinna, who turned me into something beautiful and amazing, who believed in me no matter how much the odds weren't in my favor, who was tortured to death because he made me who I am today. Boggs, who always seemed to have control over every situation, who knew that every moment with me was more than just a risk, who died trying to protect me. Finnick, whose eyes I still sometimes see glowing in the dark, who never got to say goodbye and was killed directly by me, who would ever only be truly happy when he was with Annie. Prim, who I love more than anybody, who I had failed to save despite all my efforts, who I would never see again. The many other faces of tributes, people from District 12, rebels, and all the other also swum in and out of my vision. All of them would never see another day, would never know how a life without the Capitol would feel. How could I ever forgive myself? How can I survive while so many others who deserve it more didn't?

I cried myself to sleep, and was slightly surprised to find Buttercup still here in the morning. It was the first real feeling I had felt in a long time. I lay in bed, waiting for the depression to pull me under again, or maybe even sleep, but they never come. Instead, I see Buttercup's piercing, yellow eye looking at me, questioning me. It was as if he was mentally asking why I, who had survived unlike so many others, was wasting my life, while those who are dead would want me to live on for them. Why was I here, trying to shut out life? Nobody wanted this for me. Prim worried about my death more than a girl of her age should. I tried to push Prim out of my mind, but she stuck no matter what. It all started with Prim. How I tried to save her when her named got picked. My thoughts retreated back to a time right before I went in to my first Games. She wanted me to win, to survive, to beat the odds. I did, but never did I expect for her to not be here with me.

I knew from that moment on, I would try. Try to breathe in and out. Try to get out of bed in the mornings. Try to live, because that's what Prim would have wanted. That's what all of those who were dead, whom I loved dearly, would have wanted. I made a promise to myself at that moment. They would not be forgotten. Never. The memories will live on. I will live on for them. It was going to be hard. I was all alone. Everyone I loved was gone. They were all pushed away from me, out of my reach. Buttercup then meowed, as if to remind that I wasn't alone. That he, if nobody else, knew how I felt. I started to pull out thorns and clean his cuts, knowing that this was the beginning of something different between the two of us. We cried constantly, but we comforted each other, knowing that it was all we really needed at the moment. To mourn. To say goodbye.

I felt a lot stronger than I have in a while. I climbed out of my bed at that moment. Buttercup was quick at my heels. I knew what I had to do. I knew there was one other, who would know the pain as well as me. Maybe even more, if she couldn't even face the place where she called home for so long. My mother. She didn't come back, but I didn't blame her. I probably wouldn't of wanted to come back either, but there was nowhere else for me. I walked into the kitchen and found her letter laying exactly where I left it, untouched, for what could have been seconds or years. I grabbed it off the counter where so many other letters were left unopened. I recognized my mother's writing at once. It seemed shakier than usual and the paper was stained with tears, but it was still hers.

_Katniss,_

_ I know you will probably never forgive me for not coming back, and I don't expect you to, but I can't. I can't face the place where so many memories are hidden, of your father, of Prim. When your father died, I didn't believe I could even go on, and I know you thought so too. I am trying my hardest not to do the same with Prim's death. These days, it takes all my strength to get out of bed. They meant the world to me, and as do you. You have grown so strong, stronger than I could ever dream of being. I love you more than anything on this Earth. Always remember that. If I thought for a second that you still needed me there with you and that I would be any help, I would have probably gone back with you, but I know you better than that. You needed the space, and probably still do. But always remember, I am still here for you. Call me or visit me if you want. I will always be waiting to hear from you._

_Love, Your Mother_

I had underestimated my mother. She knew me better than I thought she did. She knew, even though I didn't, that I needed space and time. And she knew, her coming back would only make things worse. She took the chance to leave this place not only to escape but also out of love. A phone number was also inside the envelope. I pulled it out and walked over towards the telephone. I had forgiven my mother. I know truly knew that this was all beyond her control. I couldn't blame her for any of it.

I wasn't really expecting her to answer. I thought she would be out trying to with the hospital. But on the third ring I heard her sweet voice. It was hoarse, as if she had been crying a lot. "Hello?" I heard the single word, as it pierced through me.

"Mom?" I said, barely over a whisper.

She spoke in an excited voice, "Katniss? Is that you?"

"Yeah, Mom." I replied, tears welling up in my eyes. We started out talking about easy topics, like how things were going in District 4, and how I was situating to life on my own. Then we moved on the harder topics. We mourned over Prim's death together. I was crying harder than ever. I relied on her more than I have ever in years. I assured her I would be ok and would call often. She told me that if I ever needed her for anything, that I should just tell her. I didn't push her offer to the back of my mind, like the old Katniss would have. I was trying to be new and reinvented. I wanted to be good and to be happy.

I hung up the phone, feeling like things actually may have gotten a little better. I paused, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath in. The weight of the world still seemed to be on my shoulder, I still saw the faces of all the dead, but it all wasn't threatening to crush me.

That's about when Greasy Sae walked in. I heard two pairs of footstep walking down the hall, automatically thinking she brought her granddaughter. Instead, I saw Peeta walk into the room behind her. He was carrying a loaf of bread. I hadn't seen him since he planted the primroses. He briefly smiled at me as he passed into the room. I never thought I would see a smile from him directed towards me again. He was changed, that much was true. But weren't we all changed? I knew I was. He may not be the old Peeta, but I was seeing more and more touches of him every day. Maybe he would never become the old Peeta completely, but that was ok at the moment. He was here though. He was trying. It felt like an omen. Like the world was saying that everything was all right.

Greasy Sae quickly started making breakfast. I smelt bacon and eggs. Peeta started to cut the bread slowly with a knife, as if it took all his concentration. I didn't know what to say to him. He was always better with word. But somehow I found myself saying, "Are you ok?"

He looked up from the bread, observing me closely with a slightly confused look on his face. He didn't say anything at first, but then he opened his mouth and said, "I think so. I feel like I am sorting out the truths from the lies all the time, but it's becoming easier and easier by the moment. How about you?"

The conversation seemed a bit too formal. I knew it would be like this for a while. "I am still trying to remember how to breathe on some days," I said, with a nervous laugh, "but I am figuring it out. I think I'll be alright."

Greasy Sae then put two plates of eggs and bacon in front of us. After we reassured her that we would get the dishes, she left. We scraped at our plates in silence, not an awkward one though. I felt more like we enjoying each other's company. I was feeding all my bacon to Buttercup, as a thank you for giving me the will to live.

I looked up at Peeta, who had paused staring at his food. "You once asked me," I suddenly said, thinking about a time that seemed like ages ago, during our Victory Tour, "if we could try being friends. I am still willing to try, if you are up to it."

He looked up from his food. His face was serious. "I think we can do that," he said with a faint smile on his lips.

I felt joy bubble up inside of me. I was glad he was with me.


	2. Chapter 2

2

Peeta left soon after breakfast, saying something about Haymitch. I hadn't seen him since we got back. I didn't know if he was alive or not. For some reason I didn't want to find out. I didn't want Haymitch's sarcastic remarks to pierce through me. Not on a day where I was feeling so good. I knew it was selfish, but I don't think he would mind. I deserved to be a little selfish, and Peeta would take better care of him than I ever would.

I walked back up to my bedroom, curled up in my covers, and started to cry. I knew I had no reason to cry at the moment. I had already cried so much. But all my strength has seemed to leak straight out of me, and these days, it seemed like crying was the only thing I knew how to do.

I fell asleep curled in my bed, Buttercup by my side. I let the nightmares take over. I was back in my first Hunger Games. At first I couldn't figure out where, but then I recognized the cave where Peeta and I hid for so many nights. The only difference was that Peeta wasn't there. I walked out of our hiding place to go find him. Instead I walked straight into a mob. A mob of the dead. They were all speaking to me. Some were screaming, others were quietly talking. When I woke up, I was temporarily confused as to where I was. I was screaming and it was dark, and for a moment I was expecting to see all the dead people creeping towards me.

I realized I was safe. No, safe isn't there. I thought of Johanna. She knew that. She knew that as victors we would never be safe. There were only seven of us now. I didn't even know what happened to her. I didn't know what happened to most of them. As I laid there calming myself down, trying to bring down my heart rate, which seemed dangerously high, I decided that I would put some effort into finding out.

I walked out of my room, Buttercup following, not knowing what time it was or how long I have been asleep. All I knew at the moment was that I was hungry. I walked down stair, looking for food. Greasy Sae seemed to have already made dinner. It was a pot of one of her stews. It didn't seem as questionable as some of her others, but it was the only food in sight. It was cold, but still tasted pretty decent. I shoveled mouthful after mouthful, but no matter how much I ate I never seemed to be content.

I sat there, with the empty pot, wanting more and more. Buttercup sat at my feet. He never seemed to leave me alone anymore, and I didn't want him to. The sun rose a couple of hours later, but I still sat where I was, not moving and inch. I didn't want feel victim to the nightmares again. There was a time where I could face them, knowing Peeta would be there when I woke up. But now I could never expect him to do that for me. I had just gotten him to talk to me without freaking out. I couldn't be so selfish as to use him like that, no matter how much I needed him.

_I needed him._

Those words triggered something in me. It made me think of Gale. I winced at the thought. "Katniss will pick whoever she thinks she can't survive without." He was wrong. He was wrong because I couldn't survive without either him or Peeta. At least at the time, I couldn't survive without him. But he wasn't coming back. My best friend, just like my mother, was not coming back. Maybe, I would never get to see him again. And something broke between us. I pushed myself to face reality. Things between us had been falling apart for a while. Now I can't think of him, without thinking about Prim's death. I will always go through life, wondering if it was his trap. One of the many traps that I relied on for so long, that I now hated. There is this sadness and darkness that has broke us apart. We aren't the same girl and boy that met so many years ago. Maybe we aren't even friends anymore. I would never find out.

Greasy Sae then walked into the room. She cooked breakfast as usual. I pushed my thoughts of Gale away. They hurt just like so many others. Instead, I shoveled the scolding hot food in my mouth, without caring if it burned me or not. I was the Girl on Fire. I have been burned plenty of times before.

I looked around the kitchen. The room I looked at for so many days without moving, barely alive. Then, this room seemed empty, and devoid of purpose. Now, I seemed to be chocking me, crushing me as it closed in on me. I needed to go, to run, to find a place where the dead ones won't haunt me. I quietly told Greasy Sae, that I was going. I knew, even before I realized it, where I going to. Buttercup quietly following me, I walked up the front porch steps to Haymitch's house. I partially knew I was hiding from him from the past couple of weeks, but now I needed the wakeup call he would give me.

I prepared myself for what I was going to see. The mess, the stink, Haymitch probably passed out from being so drunk. Instead I found him quite sober at his kitchen table. The house was a close to clean as it ever will be, and Haymitch seemed to be alive though his focus would not drift from the spot on the wall he was looking at. "Haymitch?" I said in a quiet voice.

He turned and looked at me. He didn't smile nor frown. He just merely said, "I was wondering when you would be stopping by."

"Didn't you say you were going to check up on me? Not the other way around," I accused.

A faint smile made it to his lips. He said with the same sarcasm in his voice as he used to have, "Now did you actually believe that?"

No. I answered mentally. I never really believed that. I knew he would be drunker than he ever was in his life. He didn't like 12. Didn't he once say that he couldn't face it without a drink? He came back, though. He came back for me. The only one who did. Peeta and I are the only ones he still cares about. He was still protecting us. Still being our mentor. "Thank you," I replied, as I sat down across from him.

"No problem, sweetheart."

It only took a couple more minutes for me to start wondering why he was sober. I think the only time he willingly became sober was during my two Hunger Games, so it had to be something else. "Why don't you have a drink?"

"There's no more," he merely replied, gesturing to the many empty bottles scattered around the room. How could I not have noticed them before? Maybe I was just losing my touch. I didn't really care.

"Haymitch," I said, "what happens now?"

He doesn't hesitate before answering, "We stay alive."

It was the only real advice he had ever given me. He has said it to me and Peeta before each Hunger Games. It was practically a joke now, but I knew it was the truth. I knew he meant it. Then I felt fear, just for a second. Not for me, but for all the others. The future generations, those who are already dead. "We can't let them forget what has happened. Never."

"Never," he agreed. And just through that one word. We made a pact. A pact to keep on going. A pact to never anybody forget. A pact to rebuild what was left into something better, something worth living for. I know I had already promised myself this, but it would be easier knowing that somebody else will be there for you, and along with Buttercup, who was curled at my feet, I knew we would succeed.

We continued talking, for what seemed like hours. I find out from him that Johanna went to District 2 just like Gale. They were working together to help form a better government. President Paylor was trying to build a republic. Enobaria went back to District 2 also, not that I really cared about her. Beetee stayed in District 3 with Plutarch, working on new technology. What really brought me to tears was hearing about Annie. I never knew how she took Finnick's death. I never got to find out. She went back to District 4. My mother agreed to take care of her. She was pregnant, and I couldn't feel happier for her or Finnick.

Soon enough, I found I was tired once again. I left Haymitch saying that I would come and check up on him again. Then we laughed because in all reality, he was sent here to take care of me. I went home and went to sleep. Instead of nightmares, I found myself dreaming of Annie and Finnick, together once again, holding their newborn child.


	3. Chapter 3

**Here is the next chapter. I try to post at least one a day, but who knows, maybe on some days there will be more than one and, on others, maybe none at all. **

**(Note: Sorry about all my grammar/spelling mistakes that are probably going to be scattered all over this story. I try my best to catch as many as possible, but I tend to miss a lot.)**

* * *

3

I woke up the next morning in the same daze I seemed to have been in since Buttercup came back. I wasn't sad, so to speak, anymore. But, I definitely wasn't healed either. I curled up tighter under the covers of my bed. Hiding from the rest of my house. I felt so alone at this moment. The house was too big, too quiet, too empty. I needed someone or something to distract me. Before there was Prim and my mother, or I could go hunting with Gale. I can't do that anymore. Too many horrid memories and too many dead. I needed someone here with me. I immediately think of Peeta, but quickly shoot down that though. I would never ask him for that. He was just barely turning back into the old Peeta. He needs to find himself before he can ever find me.

I go downstairs, and find the box where my most prized possessions are held. My father's hunting jacket, the plant book, my parents' wedding photo, the spile from Haymitch, and the locket are all left untouched. I open the locket and look at the pictures. My mother, Prim, and Gale were all smiling up at me. Tears were brought to my eyes when I looked at Prim's smiling picture, but I quickly brushed them away. _No more tears_, I told myself. I then looked at Gale. I wanted to grab the picture from its slot and tear it to shreds, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It would be like tearing something more than just Gale from my life. I put the locket around my neck, picked up the box with the rest of my stuff, and bring it upstairs. I open one of the many empty drawers in my room. I start to pass the time by placing all the objects perfectly in the drawer. When I was finally content with my work, I closed it. I felt a pang of want for the pearl. The pearl that Peeta gave me. The pearl that represented the last of the happiest moments between us. The pearl that I lost sometime between my sister's bombing and the shooting of Coin. It will never be seen again.

I push the thought away. It was just another one to add to the ever-growing list of unhappy thoughts. The thoughts that I would never think of again.

I walked downstairs again, wanting to know where Greasy Sae was. I needed human interaction. I needed to talk to someone. As if my thoughts conjured her, I heard the front door open. "Hello?" I called out. My voice was sore, and it was the loudest sound I had made in months.

The footsteps walking down the hall didn't sound like Greasy Sae's. They seemed quicker, but still very loud. I knew almost immediately who it was. A second later my thoughts were confirmed, as Peeta walked around the corner into the room. We stared at each other for a couple of seconds. He was holding some more bread. Why was he here, I was wondering.

"I told Greasy Sae that I would bring you breakfast today. It seemed right that we should talk, since we are trying to be friend and all, right?" he said, seeming to be answering my thoughts. Peeta. He still could read my mind, even though he may not realize it.

"Umm… sure," I replied quietly.

We walked into the kitchen. He sat at one end of the table, while I sat at the other. He was slowly cutting the bread again. I observed him, trying to memorize all of his movements. Like this was the last of him I would ever see so I had to remember it all. Maybe it was. Who knew? He handed me a piece of bread, and we silently ate.

I couldn't remember us ever being this quiet or having nothing to say to each other. But then again, this was one of the only truly calm moments in our lives. We now did not have a reason to talk. Only the want to be friends. Madge then came to my mind. Sweet Madge. She was the only other person on this Earth that I talked to for no other reason than just to be friends. Even Gale, I started talking to because I was trying to get food. I was at a loss for words, now. I always was better on my own. But now being alone seemed scary, and I needed friends.

"Greasy Sae said that they are going to try to rebuild District 12," Peeta then said. "She was just notified that the first wave of people are supposedly coming within the next two weeks."

This brought my attention back to the present. They were going to rebuild District 12? It seemed like an insane idea, but then again, to so many people this was home. This is where their lives have been for forever, and if I know nothing else, then I know that coming back to what you are used to is way easier than trying to let it go. "Are they going to reopen the mines, then?" I asked. I realize that I was hoping with all my might that he would say no. I was terrified of those mines, and I would bet my life that so many others did too. I think the way my father died is the worst way to go. Worse than being shot, worse than being drowned. Being in a place where there was no light, no chance to escape, and dying there. The was the worst.

"No," he said. And I gave a sigh of relief. "She mentioned something about planting food and medicine. I am not really sure of all the details."

Thinking about the mines and being underground seemed to make the house grow smaller. Were the walls always so close? And I could swear that the ceiling was getting closer. I couldn't breathe for a second. "Let's go!" I exclaimed. "I need to get out of this house! Go see the sun!" I was having a mini panic attack in my kitchen, right in front of Peeta, but I didn't care.

Peeta's face changed from indifference to surprise to worry in under a minute. I guess he thought that the rebuilding of 12 would be a safe topic between the two of us. "It's ok," I heard him say in a soothing voice. "Let's go." He gestured for me to follow him, and headed towards the door. The second I felt the cool air and sunshine on my face, I could breathe again. I wasn't trapped or alone.

Peeta's face is still worried. He is standing there, a bit awkwardly, not knowing what to do, not knowing what brought on the panic attack. I instantly feel apologetic. "I'm sorry. The mines just bring bad memories." _Along with everything else, _I added in my head. "I feel a claustrophobic most of the time, these days." I didn't also admit that when I don't feel claustrophobic, I feel afraid to be alone. His face was still dark as he asked me, "Real or Not Real? Your father died in a mining accident."

I winced slightly at the question. He turned away from me, already knowing my answer. "I am sorry," he whispered. We both stood in silence for the next couple of seconds. I heard birds in the distance and smiled. At least some life was here. District 12 was not completely deserted. Plus, there would be more. People were coming. _Life will be better._ I told myself over and over again, in my head. _Life will be better._

Peeta and I both soundlessly agreed to start walking. "Real or Not Real?" I heard him say. "I gave you that locket, during our second Hunger Games."

I looked down at the locket that I completely forgot I was wearing. "Real. You gave it to me to try to convince me to stay alive in the arena. To go home to those that I love."

"But that didn't convince you, didn't it? You were still willing to lose your life, so I could stay alive."

I nodded my head at him. That night seemed ages ago. I wanted him to live so badly, because I could never think of the alternative. I could never think about him dying, and me trying to live on without him. That was another night that I knew, without a doubt, that I needed him. That night on the beach, I felt that thing. The second out of the two times I had ever felt it. I felt something more for Peeta, a hunger for him.

"That night, even though I thought I was going to die, was one of the happiest of my life," I admit. I then feel the blood rush to my cheeks. He smiled. It wasn't one of those huge, ear-to-ear smiles he used to give me, but it made me blush more all the same.

"I think they used that one against me a lot," he then said. I knew he was referring to the hijacking and the Capitol. "I think it was one of the happiest for me, too. I remember a lot of struggling to keep the tracker jacker venom from tampering with it, now. It took them longer than most memories for them to really change it. I still can't quite remember the details, though the sparkles seem to be leaving it."

I held the locket in the palm of my hand for a second longer, thinking about how much struggle and pain they must have put Peeta through. I remember when I got attacked by only a couple of tracker jackers, and shuttered. Instead, I looked down at my hands, trying to avoid his gaze, and ran through that night that was so long ago.

"We took the first watch of the night. We were sitting on the beach, when you told me that it was no use pretending that Haymitch didn't make a promise with the both of us to keep the other alive. At the time we didn't know that he had bigger plans. You were telling me about how there was nothing left for you here, except for me, and that I would move on. You gave me the locket, trying to remind me of what I had back home," I paused to check his expression for just a second. His face seemed to be masked. I continued. "I told you that I wouldn't be able to go on without you. You tried to disagree, but instead I…" I finished trailing off.

"You kissed me," he finished, still showing no expression. I nodded, trying my hardest no to look at him. "Thank you," I heard him say. "I think that made things a lot clearer."

"No problem," I replied, chancing another glance at his expression. The old Peeta seemed to flash across his face for a second, but I knew that was huge progress. I knew him better than anybody else on this Earth. Maybe, I survived to help him. They say that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this was the reason. _I was going to help Peeta,_ I told myself. And we walked on.

* * *

**So, tell me what you think. Hopefully you like it:) **


	4. Chapter 4

4

We walked on talking about many different things. Finally we made it back to my house, after walking over all the remains of District 12. Seeing all the destruction that happened to the town still brought tears to my eyes, even though I have seen it many times now. Peeta also seemed very distant and rigid as we walked away from the ruins. He couldn't even look at the burnt down bakery. I thought of Peeta's family. His mother was not the nicest person, but his father was very sweet. I remember right after I volunteered for Prim, he gave me cookies. Because I was determined to hate Peeta, I never got a chance to eat them. Now, Peeta had no family. He only had Haymitch and me, and we weren't much considering that we were basically just as broken as he was.

I tried to move back away from Peeta for a couple of seconds. He seemed to be saying his silent goodbyes. I knew he had to be alone for this. Even though he wasn't particularly close to his family, I knew it still hurt, and no amount of comforting would help.

We walked by the part of the fence where I used to sneak out to go hunting. I winced at the memory. I was afraid to go out there, now. The Meadow, which used to be my safe haven, the place I would go to escape the Capitol, was tainted. Memories of Gale and how he wasn't here, memories of the dead, as the Meadow was now their grave. I have even found out that, my time out there was even observed by the Capitol. I, in all reality, wasn't free at all. There was nothing for me out there, and again I felt the world crashing around me at the thought.

I collapsed. Peeta stopped mid-step, completely taken off guard. I curled up into a ball and started crying, right there on top of the remains of District 12, of my old life. I mentally scolded myself for being so vulnerable, especially right in front of Peeta, but, frankly, I didn't care. So I laid there and cried. Cried for the deaths of so many, cried for being so broken, cried for all the losses and the mistakes along the way. That was all I was good for these days, crying.

Peeta had a look of complete astonishment on his face. He had no idea what to do. He sat down next to me, and asked with a bit of concern in his voice, "Katniss? What's wrong? Are you hurt?" I tried to stifle the tears, but they just kept on flowing. Somehow I managed to say, "I'm scared of myself, of the future, or everything." I don't know why I admitted this. "It's okay. It's going to be okay." I ignored him. It was a stupid thing to say. When would things ever be ok again? Everything has changed. Even he, who was supposed to be the only constant thing in my life, changed. But then, he started to stroke my hair. It was the only real physical interaction I had with him since he tried to choke me. It was comforting, feeling his strong, reassuring hands on me.

Soon enough, I stopped crying. I didn't move, though. I lied there, staring at nothing particular, but never shifting my gaze. I was constantly looking at the ground. Peeta didn't say anything. He just sat there and continued to stroke my hair. We sat like this for what felt like years, but must have been only an hour or two. Finally, Peeta said, "We need to go home." I was about to protest, but I didn't have the energy. Just laying here without doing anything seemed so much easier. Peeta, realizing I wasn't going to move, did the first thing that came to his mind. He picked me up and started to carry me home. I didn't struggle against his grasp. I didn't even look at him. Instead I stared at the ground.

A couple of minutes later, he opened the door to my house and walked inside. He walked upstairs to my bedroom. He placed me in the bed, pulled the covers up to me chin, and said, "Goodnight." Next thing I knew, he was gone.

I checked the clock, and saw that it was barely noon. I was exhausted, though. All I wanted to do was sleep, but I tried to stay awake for as long as possible, anyways. I didn't want to face my dreams, not now. I hated myself for turning so weak, just at the sight of the Meadow. When did I turn into someone who could barely walk three steps without having a mental meltdown? When did I become such a weak person? And I knew. Just like that. The answer to my questions was the answer to everyone's pain. The Capitol. Snow succeeded, though he is not alive to bask in his glory. He finally cracked me. Maybe not in the way he thought he would, though. He wanted me out of the rebellion. I was useless, now. I could bare take care of myself. I could barely survive. That hurt a lot worse.

I didn't know when I actually fell asleep. Maybe sometime in the middle of the night or in the middle of the next day? I just knew that nightmares started. In my dreams, I was sitting in an empty room, but I couldn't move. I was completely frozen. Eventually, every person I have ever known that is dead walked up to me one by one. They told me that their deaths were my entire fault. I tried to scream, to tell them that I tried. I really tried to save them, but I couldn't speak. I could only sit and listen to their accusations. It changed the next moment. Now I was on fire. Prim was standing next to me. The fire was getting hotter and hotter, and all I wanted was some water. I then saw a pond a couple feet away, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't move there. Prim jumped into the pond, telling me to join her, but I couldn't. She kept on swimming farther and farther away, still calling me.

When I finally woke up, it was dark outside. The clock said it was about four in the morning, but I didn't care. It didn't matter. I was drenched in sweat. I was so hot. I was burning, but I didn't want to move. The shadows dancing around my bedroom scared me, and I felt safe, truly safe, at this moment. As if nothing could get me as I laid here hiding under the covers of my bed. I started to hyperventilate and my heart rate started to go up. I counted to ten to try to calm myself, and when that didn't work, I tried again. I cursed myself for not answering the telephone whenever Dr. Aurelius called. He could have actually given my some helpful advice as to how to calm down in these situations. I told myself that the next time the phone rang, I would definitely answer it.

As soon as I finally got a hold on myself, I started to curse myself out. I was falling apart. I was broken. I saw Prim, her sweet little face, smiling up at me everywhere. I was afraid of practically nothing. Everything reminded me of the dead, of how I basically had a hand in all their deaths. There was no bringing them back.

I lied in bed for the rest of the day, not moving an inch. No one came looking to see if I was okay, and that suited me just fine. I wanted to be alone. I didn't think I could face anyone at that moment. I couldn't let them see me so helpless and vulnerable. I should have been hungry, but I wasn't. I hadn't eaten in over a day. I fell back asleep. This time no nightmares invaded my sleep. It was completely dreamless.

When I woke up, it was dark again. I found a cup of water on the nightstand by my bed. I reached for it. My tongue was dry, and memories of my first Hunger Games came to my mind. Dehydration was a scary thing. I feel back asleep. Again it was thankfully dreamless.

Soon enough, I felt myself being shaken awake. I heard a voice say, "Katniss, wake up!" I was confused. This voice didn't sound happy. I wanted to run away from it, but it just seemed to get closer and louder. "Katniss!" It was screaming. I could now tell the voice belonged to a male. Next thing I knew, I was cold and soaking wet. I opened my eyes and screamed. How did this water make it to my bed?

My eyes brought a sight that made me more furious than I possibly ever have been. Haymitch was holding a bucket, staring at me. I sat up and lunged at him, wanting more than anything to get revenge for the deed he has just done. Instead he seemed to know how I would react, so he side-stepped a couple of inches, and I landed on the floor with a clunk. I was seething, practically smoking with anger. "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

He just nonchalantly replied, "You have been asleep for three days. You needed to get up."

His relaxed attitude annoyed me more than anything. I wanted to yell, scream, kick, and anything else that would make up a full-blown temper tantrum, but I was more mature than that. Plus, I would never give Haymitch the satisfaction. Instead, I left him my room and walked downstairs. I will just have to curl up in some other bed to go back to sleep, I thought to myself, but Haymitch seemed to be ten steps ahead of me. He quickly followed me saying, "Oh, no you don't. You are definitely not getting off the easily."

I spun on my heel to face him. He was closer than I expected, being on a couple of inches from me, but I did my best to hide my surprise. I said as coolly as possible, "Getting ice water dumped all over me, while I was sleep, was easy?"

"Sweetheart, you have done it billions of times to me," he reminded me. "Get over it." Those words plain and clear seemed to pierce me like and arrow. I all I could do was glare at him.

"What do you want?" I said icily. I was not in the mood for anything this morning. I was practically at the point of ripping his head off.

"You are going to clean up, take a shower, brush your teeth, and whatever else you need to do, and then you are going to meet me downstairs in one hour. Then, you are going to eat something. Lastly, I am going to give you the phone so you can talk to the shrink or whatever he is. You can be cooperative and it will all be easy, but if you decide to be uncooperative, I will personally glue the phone to your ear until you start talking."

I saw a glimpse of worry in Haymitch's eyes. For Haymitch to be worried, it had to be bad. I knew this was as close to taking care of me as he was going to ever get. I also did promise myself I was going to talk to the shrink, first chance I'd get. So, to Haymitch's apparent surprise, I quietly agreed and moved back toward the bathroom. I felt his eyes following me, positive that he believed I would try to make a run for it, but instead I just turned on the faucet, waited for the bath to fill up, and stepped into the warm bathwater. It felt like the most relaxing thing I had ever felt in ages.


	5. Chapter 5

**Ok, I know I haven't updated in forever, but I have been super busy these past couple of days. I am going to try to make it up by posting tons of chapters this weekend... hopefully. Anyways, here is the next chapter. I think this is one of my favorite ones that I have written. Hopefully you like it too:)

* * *

**

5

I sighed while sitting in the bathwater. I added some bubbles, and let the popping noises they made soothe me. The only I could grasp at the moment was how much my life sucked. It was completely awful. I wondered what it would be like to be somebody else. Somebody who had a normal life, who didn't have to worries I had, who was generally happier than I am. She would be an optimist. She wouldn't have to worry about all the bad stuff in life. Maybe I should be an optimist, I thought to myself. This thought made me laugh. Like a real, throaty laugh. When would I ever be an optimist? _Never_, I silently answered myself, and I laughed some more.

Soon enough, my laughs turned into something unexpected. They turned into songs. I was singing. Like the actual belting-at-the-top-of-your-lungs kind of singing. I sang children's songs. Those nonsensical songs that every child loves. My father sang them to me when I was very young, and after he died, I sang them to Prim. Then, I laughed at the songs, at how ridiculous they were. Finally, I decided it was time to get out. Something in this bathwater was making me crazy. Maybe it was the bubbles; they could be going straight to my head and be killing all my brain cells just as I sat here. I laughed again. Nope, I was never going to be a optimist.

I grabbed a towel off the rack and started to dry myself off. I tried to brush the leftovers of my hair, but it hurt a bit. Most of it was dead and falling out. Whatever wasn't dead was chopped at awkward angles just below my shoulders. The doctors claimed that it would grow again, but truthfully, I didn't really believe them. I turned to look at it in the mirror and gasped. Everything about me was horrible, not only my hair. My skin still looked like poorly done patchwork and the scars all over my body seemed to glow making them more noticeable. My hair. It looked like little clumps were randomly placed on my head. I had a pang of wanting for my old braid back. I ran out the bathroom, being impulsive. I found a pair of scissors in a drawer somewhere in my room. I ran back to the bathroom mirror and started to chop. When the first lock of hair feel off, I smiled. I continued chopping most of the dead, broken hair off and instantly felt immensely better.

I looked at the finished product with pride. I smiled at the short, pixie cut I produced. It looked like it was down by a five-year-old and didn't suit me nearly as well as by braid did, but it was tons better than the dead locks of hair I had ten minutes ago. My hair looked way healthier like this. My skin also seemed immediately better. The redness seemed to be completely gone. You could also barely see most of my scars now, too. The only exception was the rather large one Johanna gave me on the inside of my arm, but I didn't mind that too much. I looked almost whole, on the outside at least. That was a start.

I was walking towards my bedroom when I realized something felt off. Something was wrong. Something was missing. I kept walking, but I still couldn't pin-point what it was. I practically fell over when I remembered. I knew. It was too silent. There was no quiet mewing in the background. There was no ball of fluff crawling around at my heels. Where was Buttercup?

"Buttercup!" I called, freaking out a bit. Where was that thing? It was slightly ironic that I was looking for him, when it was only a couple of months ago that I wanted to drown him. When he didn't answer my call, I really got worried. "Buttercup!" I tried to think of the last time I saw him. Just before Peeta and I went on our walk. Did he crawl out the door? Was he looking for me as I was looking for him? Peeta and I did run out the door. He was asleep at my feet. Did he not know that we left him? "Buttercup," I whispered one more time. I knew he wasn't going to answer. He was gone.

I walked downstairs, still hoping the Buttercup would appear out of the corner of my eye or something. Haymitch was standing by the kitchen table, waiting for me. His unreadable expression faltered a second, as I walked into the room. I wondered why, but then soon remembered. My hair. "You are late," he said, once he put back on his undecipherable expression. I just glared at him and replied, "I had a couple of delays. You are lucky I even came down." He pointed to a bowl of some sort of soup on the table and merely said, "Eat." Most of the iciness was gone from his voice.

I sat down and put a spoonful of soup into my mouth. I realized just how hungry I was when I took this first bite. The soup was warm and felt good as it trickled down my throat. I noticed Haymitch staring at me through the corner of my eye. "Take I picture. It will last longer," I said sarcastically, but my voice faltered a bit at the end. "Is there a reason why you cut off all your hair?" he asked.

I turned to look at him and put as much ice into my glare as I possibly could. "Not that it looks bad," he then continued. "You actually look kind of cute, better than before anyway. But you have been pretty shifty lately. One moment you are all calm and almost happy, and I am thinking you may actually be putting the pieces back together. The next you are crying your eyes out on the ground of District 12 and sleeping for three days straight. I'm just making sure that you aren't going to kill yourself or something, with all the impulsive decisions you are making."

Kill myself? Would I do that? Could I do that? After my only want for the past year and a half, my entire life was for me to survive. For all those that I love to survive. I failed at that, keeping them safe, but could I kill myself. Was I that depressed? No, I told myself. That's not what they would have wanted. They wanted you to live. A lot of them, most of them died to save me. They would not want me to die, because I killed myself. They wanted me to live a full and happy life.

"So, you talked to Peeta," I said, trying to change the topic.

I could tell that Haymitch knew what I was doing, but he let it go. "Yeah. He seemed really worried about you when he finally came to me. He came in everyday to check on you. Said he wanted to make sure you weren't having nightmares. When you barely woke up in three days, only drinking the glass of water he left you and eating nothing, he decided something was wrong."

I smiled. Peeta. He was there while I was sleeping. He was probably the sweetest person I knew. I will never know how to thank him for everything he has ever done for me. Never know how to pay him back for everything that I owe to him.

"It's our faults that he is broken, you realize that," I told Haymitch.

He looked away from me and said, "Yeah. I know. I never thought that I would find another person in my life that the Capitol could hurt me with. Never thought that I would ever give them any leverage, again. They already killed everybody." I thought back to a day, long ago. We were taping a propo while some of the others were conducting the rescue mission to save Peeta. I remember Haymitch telling me that the Capitol killed his mother, brother, and girlfriend. Haymitch continued. "I never thought that the Capitol could hurt me again, until I saw Peeta choke you."

"Everything would have been way different if his name wasn't pulled out of that ball. If he never went to the Hunger Games," I then whispered.

"So many things would have been different if any of the victors never went to the Hunger Games, but then maybe we would all still be unhappy, scraping for food under the Capitol's rule," Haymitch replied.

What if I didn't go to the Hunger Games? If Prim's name wasn't picked? Peeta would have died from that leg wound. I would have never known him. He would have been just another face I would have watched. Another person's child that was lost. Nothing to me. Those berries would not have been used. No spark would have been lighted. There would have been no rebellion. So many people would have lived. I would still be hunting with Gale. Nothing would have changed. Could I have been content with that? I don't know.

I saw Haymitch was lost in his own train of thought. He was probably thinking about how life would have been if he wasn't in the games.

I finished my meal, then, not wanting to talk anymore. Haymitch then pulled out a slip of paper with a phone number on it. He picked up the phone and dialed the number. He stood there waiting for a couple of second. Then someone seemed to have picked up the phone he was calling. He said, "Hello? Dr Aurelius? Yes, this is Haymitch… I am calling about Katniss… Yes, I think she is finally ready to talk to you…" He said ok and yes a couple of more times before he handed me the phone.

"Hello?" I said into the phone.

Dr. Aurelius's soft voice answered me on the other side. "Katniss?"

"Yes."

"How are you feeling today?" he asked.

"I guess I am ok," I replied.

"What did you do today?" he then asked.

I was debating whether or not to answer him truthfully, when I everything started to tumble out. I told him about sleeping for the past three days, and Haymitch waking me up by dumping water on me. I told him about singing in the bathtub, and chopping off all of my hair. I told him about talking about Peeta with Haymitch, how he thinks I may kill myself, and wondering about what life would have been like if I had never gone into the Hunger Games.

"Oh, and I lost my cat today. Or maybe it was three days ago. I'm not really sure when he disappeared. It's not my cat really. I actually hated the thing, but it has been following me around for so long that now I kind of want it back," I finished.

The doctor didn't saying anything at first. Maybe he fell asleep. He has done that plenty of times before when we had our sessions.

"Why did you cut your hair, Katniss?" he finally asked.

This question startled me. It was not what I was expecting to hear. What was I actually expecting, I have no idea, but not that. Didn't Haymitch ask the same question a couple of minutes ago? He thought I was going to kill myself because I cut my hair. Did Dr. Aurelius think the same thing? Was I risk to myself? "Do you think I am going to kill myself too?" I asked.

"No. I don't think so. I think you are smarter than that. I think that if you ever wanted to kill yourself, it would have been right after your sister's death. Since you didn't do it then, then I am pretty sure you wouldn't do it now."

"But I did try to kill myself!" I then exclaimed, remembering something. "While I was being held hostage right after I killed Coin."

"You tried to, but no matter how hard you tried, you stopped yourself. I don't think you are going to kill yourself."

That's when I answered his question as truthfully as possible. I told him what was running through my head when I cut my hair. "I wanted to fix myself."

"Yes. I do believe you did. And what about Peeta?"

"I am not going to answer that," I replied harshly.

"Why not?" the doctor asked, still polite.

Why didn't I want to talk about Peeta, I asked myself. I could only think of one reason, and since lying didn't seem like it would get me anywhere, I told him the truth. "Because I can only talk about Peeta, truthfully, to a couple of people. Maybe the only person I can talk to about him completely is Haymitch. You are not one of those people."

Dr. Aurelius did not comment on this. Instead he said, "And what about the cat you hated?"

"What about it?" I replied.

"Why did you hate it?"

"Because it was the stupidest, meanest beast I have ever met."

"Why did you keep it in the first place?"

I choked back tears as I said, "It was Prim's."

We then dropped the subject. He told me that he wanted me to try to fix my sleeping patterns. He wanted me to sleep only a reasonable amount of time, and only at night. I didn't see how this was going to help me whatsoever, but I halfheartedly tried to do it anyways.

I hung up the phone after our short conversation. I didn't feel any better than before, but I decided to talk to him again anyways.


	6. Chapter 6

6

The next few weeks were long and hard. Some days I wouldn't get out of bed, but I would never stay in bed longer than a day anymore. I didn't want to worry anybody. The depression that grasped my heart for so long started to lose its grip on me. My life seemed to take on an endless pattern. First, I would wake up. Then, I would clean myself up and go downstairs. Peeta would always come in the mornings with some sort of baked good. The two of us would eat together, and then leave my house. Sometimes we would go to Haymitch's house and make sure he was still alive, and others we would explore the other houses in the Victor's Village. We used to avoid the remains of District 12 after my incident, but then people started to arrive. Now, we sometimes help them build or we would hand out food.

Our relationship seemed to be less complicated every day we were together. There was no Capitol pressuring us to be together. He didn't hate me anymore as far as I could tell. Of course, he would still have his bad moments where a certain tainted memory would come back to his mind. He would have to grasp the thing closet to him and hold himself back, but now we knew what to do. He would tell me what the memory was like for him, and I would tell him what really happened. We learned new things about each other. Things that we may have never learned if he was never hijacked.

I sometimes silently thank the Capitol for that. Even though it was horrific, Peeta and I's lives would be so much different. He would be so irrationally in love with me. We would have probably gotten married. But our relationship would always be lopsided, tainted by the Capitol. We would have been together not out of pure love, but because we had to. Because we had to save the lives of so many.

_This is how it is supposed to be_, I thought to myself one day Peeta and I were walking. Maybe I wasn't in love with him, just yet, just like I didn't believe him to be in love with me. But we did love each other. He was my friend. My best friend. We are looking out for each other just like before. We are talking about everything. He could always talk easily with anybody, but I found it easier to talk with him than anybody else on Earth. Just like I was putting him back together, he was also putting my broken pieces back into place. Another thing that I would owe him, something that I could never repay, but I didn't feel resentful about this. For once in my life, I truly didn't feel like I had to care of everybody, especially myself. I want him to help me, just like I was helping him.

The nightmares continued to haunt me in the middle of the night. Many moments in my life would replay every night. You would think after so many days, the memories would fade, but I still see Prim's death as clearly as if it only happened the moment before. The last seconds of Finnick's life as he battled with the mutts. The moment when my family and I heard about my father's death in the mines. I would never talk about them to Dr. Aurelius, no matter how much he urges me to. They, just like Peeta, just seem so personal. Not something you would want to share with a stranger.

I would wake up screaming, afraid to go back to sleep. There was once a time where I could ask Peeta to hold me in my sleep and keep the nightmares away, without hesitation. No matter how much I could rely on Peeta these days, I could never ask him to do that for me anymore. I was afraid if I did, he would think that I was expecting more from him and it would push him away. I wasn't expecting more. I was content with what we had, for now. There is no way I could think of us being anything more until we are both whole once more. I was afraid of losing him again. Maybe I was more afraid of that than anything else at the moment.

I continued to talk to Dr. Aurelius. Sometimes he would ask me about my days, some days we would talk about nothing in particular, and others we wouldn't say anything at all. I tried to fix my sleeping pattern like he asked me too. He also asked me to do other things, like start to cook for myself and count to ten whenever I feel alone or trapped. I did them, not really understanding what the point was. They didn't do anything for me. My cooking was much worse than Greasy Sae's. Most of the time I won't even eat it, and I still feel alone and trapped after I count to ten. It wasn't until much later when one of the things he asked me to do had a meaning.

I had been silent for a long time. Dr. Aurelius didn't seem to have any more questions for me. We had already talked about some of the new faces in the District and the rest of my day. I was just about to say goodbye and hang up when he started to talk again.

"Katniss, I want you to do something else for me," Dr. Aurelius said.

This statement slightly annoyed me. He said it every time he would give me something else to do. The same sentence every time. I didn't mind adding something else to the ever-growing list of things he asks me to do. What annoyed me was how he said it. I wasn't doing it for him, and we both knew that. Yet, he still says it as if it is a favor for him.

I bit back my sarcastic retort and instead said, "You do?"

"Yes," he continued. "I want you to write all the good you see every day and all the bad you see every day into two columns in a journal. Date the days so you know when they occur."

This was odd. Usually he would tell me to do things that somewhat were supposed to better my way of living. Help me start being self-sufficient. I didn't deny his request, though. I did exactly as he said, like always, a little bit more curious this time to see how this would play out.

I found a notebook, long forgotten in a draw in the living room, and dated the first page. I then wrote "Good" on one side and "Bad" on the other and drew a line splitting the page in half. I wrote carefully, trying my best not to mess anything up. For some reason, I was actually putting more of an effort into this.

This was about when Peeta walked in. We were going to see Haymitch today. "Katniss?" he shouted from the front door.

"I'm in the living room," I shouted back.

I heard his footsteps getting closer as he said, "Why are you in here?" He came up behind me and looked over my shoulder. "Just something the doctor wanted me to do," I replied closing the book. "Are you ready?" He nodded and we left.

When we reached Haymitch's, we opened the door to see Haymitch complete knocked out, a half full bottle in his hand. Once the people started to come, they would bring liquor on the trains or hovercrafts. Haymitch would always raid them, so we weren't surprised at the sight. It smelled awful as usual, but both Peeta and I seemed to have gotten used to the smell, just like Haymitch.

Both of us went to our unofficial jobs of taking care of Haymitch. Peeta wakes him up, while I make him a strong cup of coffee. Finally when Haymitch has sat and taken a couple of sips of his coffee, the three of us start to talk. It is like this every time we come over. Another routine that I have gotten used to. Something that makes sense.

"Haymitch, you need a hobby," Peeta stated.

"I have a hobby," Haymitch griped back.

I snorted and said, "I don't think drinking you weight in liquor counts."

"I don't see you having any sort of hobby," he snapped back.

"Seriously Haymitch," Peeta said, cutting off my reply before the conversation could escalate into something, "this can't be healthy."

"I have been doing this for years, and I'm still alright," he replied a bit defensively.

"Well, than what are going to do when the liquor runs out again?" Peeta then asked.

"I'll care for the freaking geese," Haymitch said sarcastically. I had to hold back a laugh. "Hey, why are you bugging me about this away? I don't need my life criticized by some eighteen-year-old boy."

The three of us silently stared at each other. Then, I couldn't hold it in any longer. I busted out laughing. The other two stared at me for another couple of seconds before Haymitch joined in the laughter, Peeta soon following. When we finally calmed down I said, "Haymitch taking care of geese." Then we all started hysterically laughing once again.** (A/N: Ok, I just want to say, that this was practically my exact reaction when I read about Haymitch and the geese in the book. I just had to add that in the story:)**

I looked at the three of us sitting at this table. This was my family, and I was so happy to be with them. I grasped the locket that has taken a permanent residence around my neck. I still haven't had the heart to tear Gale from it, even though I didn't want him in my life anymore. I knew what I was going to do. I left Peeta and Haymitch and walked back to my house. I searched the drawers of my room and found what I was looking for. It was a picture Prim took a long time ago.

It was of me, Peeta, and Haymitch during dinner at the end of the Victory Tour. I didn't look very happy, even though I was smiling. I was worried. I had just heard about the uprising in District 8. I found the scissors that I cut my hair with and started to cut the picture, until you could only see Haymitch and Peeta. I then unclasped my locket, took the picture of Gale out, left it on my dresser, and carefully put the picture of Haymitch and Peeta in its place. I smiled at the two pictures. These people, looking up at me from the locket, were my family. They will always stay close to my heart.

* * *

**I had a great time writing this chapter, even though it took forever. I guess you could say I had a bit of writer's block. I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do with the next few chapters, but now I think I know what I want to do. I don't want to give away too many hints, but I am going to focus on Katniss and Peeta for a little bit.**

**Anyways, tell me how you liked it:)  
**


	7. Chapter 7

7

I was sitting in a tree. It was really cold, and I was trying to keep warm. I heard a snap and looked to the side. There was a pair of eyes looking at me through the leaves. I recognized those eyes. Rue. All of a sudden I could see her. She was smiling slightly. She put her finger to her lip to signal for me to be silent, and pointed to the ground. I looked down, seeing the Rue wolf mutt climbing the tree I was hiding in. The same pair of eyes coming from it as the girl sitting in the tree next to mine. I looked back at Rue, fear evident on my face, silently pleading for help. She just smiled some more, signaled for me to be silent once again, and flew away. The wolf mutt was now almost on me. I felt a scream building inside of me, and I released it just as the mutt got my leg.

I opened my eyes to see that I was in my room. I screamed for a second longer. Then I tried to calm down. I counted to ten over and over again, though I knew no matter how many times I counted, it will never help. I demanded my heart rate to slow down and wrapped the blanket tighter around me. I was paralyzed with fear. I knew at once it was going to be a sleepless night. I stayed in my bed and tried to chase the nightmares away, but they stayed. There were shadows dancing around my dark room, and my bed seemed to be shaking uncontrollably. I was terrified, so sure that there was something in my room that was going to get me. It wasn't until much later that I realized that it was my sobs that were shaking the bed. I was pouring tears.

I got out of bed with the blankets still tightly wrapped around me. I turned on a light, and searched the drawer with all my possessions. I found the plant book at once. I got back into my bed, opened it, and started to read through the pages. By now I have memorized most of them, but reading the book calmed me like nothing else did. Well, nothing else but Peeta. I kept on reading through the many pages until I saw sunlight came in through my window. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. I was relieved that I survived another night of nightmares. It was an accomplishment to see the light in the morning without going completely crazy.

I got out of my bed and put the book in its place in the drawer. I picked up some of the other stuff, relishing in their memories. Eventually I went to go make myself hot chocolate. After I drank that, I went upstairs to take a shower. I was going over to Peeta's today. He began painting again, and I was going to watch and see some of the already finished projects.

I looked in the mirror after I was done with my shower. It has been about six months since I came back to District 12. My skin does not have any more blotches of pink. My hair has started growing again. All of Panem seems to be thriving better than ever. Paylor's republic was at its beginning stages, but it seemed like a good idea. She says she gets most of her ideas for government through history books, specifically about our ancestor country known as the United States. Paylor is having a representative voted on by each District. This representative will go to the Capitol twice a year. This Council of Representative will then each vote on decisions that need to be made, with President Paylor in charge. The representative will also double as the mayor in each District. I haven't met our new mayor yet, but supposedly I am supposed to meet him within the next week.

I dried myself off with the towel and continued to get dressed. Once I finally was dressed I walked downstairs. I wasn't surprised to see Peeta with those cheese rolls he knows I love. I don't know when he remembered this. I never told him since he has been hijacked. He just started making them for me all of a sudden. I took this as a good sign. He has been deciphering real versus not real all by himself more and more. We now barely ever played Real or Not Real.

He smiled at me as I came downstairs. "Morning," he said.

"Morning," I replied.

I went to the refrigerator and asked him, "What do you want to drink?"

"Nothing. I'm good for now."

I wasn't that thirsty either, so I sat back down at the table. We ate breakfast and talked. Finally we got up to go to Peeta's house. I was slightly nervous about seeing his paintings. The last time I saw them, I hated them all. They were all about the Games. They were beautiful but horrific. I wondered if he still painted the Games.

We walked up to his room, and what I found I was surprised to see. They were tons and tons of paintings. More than I could ever possibly count. They crowded his room, covering every open space there was. I quickly felt tears come to my eyes. They were portraits. Portraits of all those who were dead. There was Peeta's family, Prim, Finnick, Wiress, Rue and all of the tributes, Boggs and the rest of the Sharp Shooters, and everyone else. I gasped at the sight of them all. The paintings looked exactly as their subjects did in real life. My memories didn't do them justice. Their faces seemed to have faded in my mind.

"Do you like them?" I heard Peeta say behind me.

At first, I didn't answer him. I couldn't answer him. There were no words to describe all the feelings these paintings brought me. Finally I said, "They are perfect. Every single one of them is perfect." It was the truth.

"Let me show you one of my favorites," Peeta said. He grabbed my hand, and pulled me towards the back of the room. I smiled at the elated expression on his face. It made me feel good knowing that he found pleasure in me liking his pictures.

He stopped and picked up a painting that was lying on his dresser. It was smaller than all the others. He turned it around and I saw myself. I was holding the pearl he gave me, the one that I lost. It felt like I was looking into a mirror. The picture was so perfect. "Peeta…" I started to say, but I couldn't finish my thought. How did he remember every detail? How did he get my smiled so perfectly? I look around me and was overwhelmed by the perfection of it all.

"Peeta, I love them. I really do," I said, turning to look at him.

He replied, "Good. That's what I hoped you would say."

I went to sit on his bed while he pulled out the painting he was working on at the moment. I didn't talk, trying not to distract him, not that I believed me talking could break his gaze away from the picture. He seemed so immersed in his art, like nothing else was alive. That was going to be another thing I would add to the list of good for the day. Peeta and his art.

I wasn't sleeping entire days anymore. I wasn't having random outbursts or becoming depression at the littlest signs. It was the journal, I think really brought me back to life. At first the lists of bad was much larger than all the good. I was only looking for the bad. Though, as I continued, I started to notice how many good things a person does every day, like someone helping a child that fell or Peeta making me bread every morning. I only try to list the good things now. I don't want to focus on the bad.

I started to think about all the dead again. This time I wasn't sad, but worried. Worried about what would happen to them after I die. Worried about what would happen to those memories when the next generation comes, or the one after that. I was a bit ashamed. I was the one who vowed to remember them forever, but already my memories were fading. What would happen in five years? Ten? Fifty? There had to be a more substantial way to keep their memories alive, but what could I do?

I thought about the plant book I was reading this morning, and about Peeta's paintings. A book. Peeta could make a smaller picture of them all. The paintings would be just as perfect as a picture. I could write facts about them all, just like we did with the plant book. "Peeta?" I said, wanting his opinion about this idea. "What do you think about making a book about all the dead?"

He paused, mid-stroke and looked at me. He didn't say anything at first as he pondered this idea. Finally he opened his mouth and said, "I think that they would all really like that."

I knew he was referring to the dead. I decided that the next time I talk to Dr. Aurelius I would suggest the idea to him.

I lied down, thinking about all the things I wanted to include. I let my thoughts drift, as the sound of Peeta painting soothed me. I yawned and closed my eyes for a second. The next thing I know I was asleep. The nightmares then invaded. I was back in the 74th Hunger Games, on top of the Cornucopia. I could hear Cato's cries as he was being killed by the mutts. He screams of terror and of pain. The mutts growled with pleasure. I shuddered at the thought. I turned around trying to find Peeta, but he wasn't next to me like I thought. Then I realized something. The screams didn't sound like Cato's. No, I recognized those screams. I jumped off the top of the Cornucopia, forgetting all about my fear. I ran to the opening and saw a sight so awful, that I could even scream. Peeta was covered in blood, dying one of the most horrific deaths.

"Katniss!" he cried out to me, the pain and fear evident on his face. "Katniss! KATNISS!"

And then I was awake. I searched wildly around the room, looking for some sign of Peeta. I had to make sure he was okay. I found him right next to me. He looked worried, his hands on me. He must have shaken me awake when he noticed I was having a nightmare. There were no mutts, killing him. I felt the tears streaming down my face. Peeta sat down on the bed and sat me in his lap. He wrapped his arms around me, rocking me gently back and forth. "It wasn't real. It was just a dream," he whispered in my ear. I just continued crying into his shoulder. He was here with me, as safe as we can ever be, but that wasn't enough. I needed something more from him. Finally I managed to choke out a sentence. "Stay with me."

"Always," he replied.

With that word, a word that meant so much more than what it seemed, I felt happy. I needed him to be here with me. To keep the nightmares away. To keep me safe. _Katniss will pick whoever she thinks she can't survive without. _I couldn't survive without him. He was everything I think I could ever want, and more. I felt that thing once again. The thing that I only felt twice before. I felt the something stir within me. I wanted to be closer to him, for him to hold me tighter. And at that moment, with me in his arms crying my eyes out, I figure out what that thing was. I was in love with Peeta Mellark.

* * *

**So I am pretty proud of myself. I updated this chapter quickly. I was trying to post it last night, but I fell asleep:\ Anyways, I thought this chapter was really cute. I was thinking it was about time that Katniss admitted to herself that she felt something for Peeta. **

**Thank you to all who have been constantly posting your reviews! I really love hearing what you guys think about my story, so keep it up:)  
**


	8. Chapter 8

8

I guess deep down I have always known that I would have feelings for Peeta. They must have always been there, but too many things got in the way. The Hunger Games, the rebellion, Gale. I even think that I got in the way sometimes. I never got the chance to really figure out how I feel about Peeta. I was thrown into the whole star-crossed lover romance story to survive. Now I realize that he is perfect for me. He balances me out. While Gale was all fire and fight. Peeta is the calm after the storm. He is the one that gets me through the night. I have enough fire alone. I smiled through my tears. I think it would be ok for me to love Peeta from afar for a while. I played with his feelings so much, that he at least deserves that.

"Shhhhhh," Peeta said, still holding me. I realized now that it was dark. The shadows in the room didn't seem as scary, with Peeta here. All the things I was usually scared of seemed ridiculously mild, compared to fear I was now feeling about realizing something so important in your life. The fear of losing him. I thought about telling Peeta, but once I looked up into his face, I couldn't. My fears clutched the words, and kept them from leaving my lips. He seemed so peaceful, so content. He hasn't been this calm in a really long time. Life seemed to be going well for him. How could I break that? There was too much that could go wrong. I could ruin everything just by uttering those three words. I could lose him so easily.

I have taken him for granted way too many times. I never truly appreciated every time he has come back to me. After I broke his heart on the train ride home from our first Hunger Games, after he was captured by the Capitol and was tortured, even now after he is practically completely healed from his hijacking. He, who was always patient with me, never pushed me and always accepted the fact that

"How long have I been asleep?" I asked Peeta.

He looked at the clock before saying, "A couple of hours. You seemed really tired, like you haven't been getting enough sleep. I thought I would let you rest. Then, you started having a nightmare, and so I woke you up."

"Yeah," I said, grimacing at the memory of the most recent nightmare. "They have been keeping me up at night. I can't seem to find a way to keep them away."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. They stopped for a while, but they came back quickly," he replied.

His nightmares stopped? He never mentioned this. Having the nightmares stop is an accomplishment. I would have thought he would have told me, but then again, we don't tell each other everything anymore. "When did they stop?" I asked.

"Oh. I guess stopped isn't really the right answer, more like changed," he said, now avoiding my eyes.

I was confused. What did he mean by changed? I waited for him to continue. Realizing I wasn't going to comment on his statement, he continued, "Well, during my hijacking, my nightmares weren't about the Hunger Games anymore. They were about you, but they weren't nightmares, so to speak. They weren't scary at least. I could just see you transforming into some mutt that the Capitol made me believe you were. I was more confused than ever, because somewhere deep down, I guess I had always known that it wasn't you."

Peeta was put through so much, all for me. He was tortured and hurt countless of times, because of me. Me. Me. Me. I always seemed to be the cause for pain everywhere. No matter how much I tried to protect everybody, I just seemed to bring pain to everybody. Maybe I should run. I thought about it once before, but that was to escape. Now, I was thinking about running to prevent my bad luck from ruining anymore lives. Maybe Peeta would come with me? He said he would a long time ago. I pushed the thought away from my mind. I would not ask Peeta to come with me. I already have taken him for granted way too many times. I refused to do it another time, but I was going to leave. I promised myself that. I was better suited somewhere else. Somewhere, where I might be at least a little help. I couldn't stand another moment here. There were too many horrible memories, too many reminders of death everywhere I look. I was suffocating.

I was going to need help getting out of District 12. Technically, I was supposed to stay here, because I was "unstable." Apparently, people didn't appreciate it when someone killed their president, I thought to myself, darkly. Haymitch would probably be willing to help. He has always been willing to give me what I want, or at least consider the possibilities.

"Well, since I have practically been healed, my dreams have drifted back to the Hunger Games," Peeta then said, bringing me out of my reverie.

I felt tears well up into my eyes. Leaving him was going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I felt my heart crack just a bit at the thought. He and I were always a team. But I had to do it. I was going to spend as much time with him as I could, before I did though.

I was scared. Where would I go? Maybe to District 4 with my mother? Or maybe to the Capitol, itself? Or maybe I will just run into the wild and just disappear completely. If anybody could survive out there, it was me. The tears then spilt over. The sobs shook my body. Peeta wrapped his arms tighter around me.

"It's ok, Katniss. It was just a dream Katniss," Peeta whispered into my ear, guessing why I was upset incorrectly.

I was crying, because of how scared I was. I was scared more than anything of losing him, of him dying, but here I was, planning to leave him. Never again would I see him. I was selfish and horrible. But he should have the chance to live his life, right? He shouldn't be here in the middle of the night, comforting me. He should be getting the pieces of his life together, not trying to succeed in the impossible task of fixing mine. Maybe he will fall in love again. It was evident that he didn't love me anymore. Didn't he say it himself? I wasn't pretty, or nice, and I was a piece of work, I think was how he put it.

I found myself thinking about the future. A much older looking Peeta, married to a girl, more beautiful then I could ever imagine being. Two kids running around the yard in front of their house. Him, baking bread as his wife comes up to him. He turns around and kisses her, and my heart breaks at the thought. I smile through the tears though, I just want to see him happy.

Peeta continued to whisper in my ear. I let Peeta's words comfort me, because I knew that nothing else would. I was going to be selfish for just a little bit longer. He continued to mumble words of comfort, and I held on to them, letting them ground me. I told myself over and over I would not freak out, and I didn't. I was proud of myself, though the accomplishment was small, it felt like I conquered the world. Sometime later, maybe hours or it could have been minutes, I was pulled under into a deep sleep, still curled up in Peeta's arms. There were no dreams. The sleep was actually peaceful.

* * *

**I know, I know this is a really short chapter. I absolutely hated writing it, though. It took me forever just to write this much. ****Again, I know Broken Katniss is getting a bit on my nerves too. Katniss has always been a bit insane, though, and pretty much has only ever seen the worst in herself.**** Trust me, it's going to get way better. There is going to be a lot of Peeta and Katniss in the next few chapters. Maybe also a touch of Haymitch's sarcasm, too. ;)  
**

**Anyways, the next few chapters are going to come a lot faster, since I definitely know what I am writing and where this story is going. I am hoping to post the next chapter either, late tonight or early tomorrow, and have another one down by the end of the week. **

**Probably should stop writing now, because this author's note is getting kinda ridiculously long. As always, I appreciate reviews (especially ones that tell me to hurry up and post something). Tell me what you think!  
**


	9. Chapter 9

9

The second I woke up the next day, I found myself still in Peeta's room. I felt fully rested, which I haven't been in a really long time. I felt a depression come over me once I remembered my decision to leave. It was going to take a lot of work. Everybody was not going to be happy when they found out I left, but they will deal with it. It wasn't like I was going to kill anybody else. I was actually please with the way Panem was going. I decided that I was going to find my mother in District 4. I had barely talked to her since I called her so many months ago. She told me a bit about Annie. The baby should be coming any minute now, if it hasn't been born already. First, I needed to talk to Haymitch today about getting there.

I walked downstairs and saw that Peeta had already made breakfast. He was sitting eating. I grabbed a plate. We ate in silence, neither of us wanting to talk about last night. Once both of us we finished, I grabbed both our plates and started washing them in the sink. "I think I am going to head home and clean up," I said to Peeta, lying through my teeth. I hated lying to him. Didn't Haymitch and I say promise weren't going to lie to him anymore? I already broke that promise, and if things go the way I plan them to, Haymitch was going to break it to. I knew though that he would come with me if I told him I was going to Haymitch's, and I needed to talk to Haymitch alone.

"Ok, how about I clean up here and meet you there in about an hour and a half?" Peeta replied.

"Perfect," I said, as I walked towards the door. That will give me plenty of time to talk to Haymitch and get a shower.

I left and quickly arrived at Haymitch's. His house was actually clean, but that may be due to the fact the Peeta finally hired someone to clean his house for him. It was a widow I recognized from District 13. She wasn't in the house at the moment, as far as I could tell. That was good, considering I didn't want anybody but Haymitch to hear my plan. I didn't want word of my departure getting around. It seemed like gossip spread like wildfire through the District. I found out things about people who I don't even know these days.

I found him drunk again, sleeping in a sitting position with his head resting against the kitchen table. I didn't realize that there was another shipment of liquor any time recently. I first pried the knife he still slept with out of his hands with some difficulty. He moaned for a second, turned over, and kept on sleeping. I knew he would start swinging the knife when I woke him up, and I didn't want to be stabbed today. I then grabbed a bucket of water and dumped it all over him. I smiled at my handy work, thinking about the time he did the same to me.

Haymitch jumped out of the chair, flailing his arms. He didn't realize that he didn't have the knife in his hands until he realized it was me who woke him up. "Oh, what a lovely surprise," he said sarcastically, as he sat back down in his chair. "To what do I owe the pleasure to of seeing you this fine morning, Sweetheart?"

"Do you even know my real name?" I asked him.

He just smirked and replied, "To what do I owe the pleasure to of seeing you this fine morning, _Katniss_."

I sighed and said with as much sarcasm as I could muster, "Aren't I allowed to visit you without a purpose?"

"Yes," Haymitch replied quickly, "but when have you ever visited me without needing something?"

I started to reply, but he quickly cut me off by saying, "Without Peeta?"

I opened my mouth, thought about it, and quickly closed it, defeated. Haymitch's smirk quickly grew into a grin, "So what do you want? Isn't life all what you wanted it to be?"

I glared at him. "I want to run," I said frankly, deciding there was no point in postponing my question and longer.

This seemed to sober him up a bit. The smirk left his face. I sat down waiting for his reply. We stared at each other for what seemed like ages, neither of us saying anything, neither of us moving. I waited patiently for his reply. I was just about to tell him to forget it when he opened his mouth. He said, "Like by yourself?"

I nodded slowly. He closed his eyes, and put his fingers to his temples and started to massage them, attempting to get rid of the headache I assumed he had. He didn't open his eyes for a long time, not even after he spoke to me again. "Is this what you really want, Katniss?" He didn't ask why I wanted to leave, or if I really thought this through. There was no sarcasm in his voice as he said my name. I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

"I need to go. There is nothing left for me here. I want to go see my mother," I said.

He replied by saying, "Well, at least you aren't planning to do anything dangerous? When do you want to go?"

I sighed a breath of relief. At least he wasn't shooting down my idea. "Well, as soon as possible."

"How do you think you are getting out of here?"

"I don't know," I said truthfully. "That's why I wanted your help."

"Ok, I am going to tell you this once and once only. People are not going to be happy about you leaving town, and that means I am going to get in a lot of trouble when they find out I helped you. That means I am not going to be happy. So you better be sure about this."

I thought it over for a second. I wanted to leave. Everything made me think about the dead here. I mean it was hard enough walking through my own house, with all the signs of Prim. My mother had the right idea. The only thing that would keep me here would probably be Peeta, but I needed to let him go too. He needed to live his own life, without me ruining it for him. So, yes I was sure about this. At least, as sure as I will ever be. So I nodded, replying to Haymitch's question.

"Ok, then I will have to make some calls. If they know that you want to go live with your mother, I think people will be willing to let you leave. It's not like you are dangerous anymore. Not that you ever were in the first place, but they believe what they wanted to believe," he said.

"Do you really think that's a good idea?" I asked, skeptical about this idea.

"A better idea than trying to sneak out of the District, where they will easily find out, get angry, and drag you back here while you resist to your fullest extent, possibly get killed from your stupidness? Yeah, I do think it is a better idea."

I just crossed my arms over my chest and said, "What if they don't let me out?"

Haymitch glared at me and said with as much ice as he could muster, "Then to hell with letting you leave, because I have been trying to keep you alive for way damn too long now, and I am not letting you die over something as stupid as you wanting to see your mommy."

I looked away from him. _If they denied the request_, I thought to myself, _looks like I am going to be all on my own._ I was not going to let the Capitol stop me from getting what I want, even though it wasn't run by some psycho anymore. I was getting out of the District with or without Haymitch. It would just be a lot easier if it was with rather than without. As Haymitch said, people were not going to be happy about me leaving, and it would be better if I had Haymitch on my side. We both know that he has a lot of power over the government, even though he doesn't want to use it or even admit it.

"So, have you told Peeta about this yet?" Haymitch then asked.

I looked up at him and replied, "No, and I don't plan to. He doesn't need to know."

Haymitch widened his eyes, and his mouth opened in shock. "He doesn't need to know? You used to use your brain a lot more when I met you. Of course he needs to know, how do you think he will react when he finds out that you are gone, out of his life forever?"

"I don't know. I guess he will be upset for a while, but he will get over it. He will move on. He needs a chance at having his own life."

"Katniss, it will break him. Even if you do tell him, he is still going to be pretty upset over the fact that you are gone. You have to give him the choice of going too, or at the very least tell him you are going!"

I was shocked. Haymitch must not know us as well as I always thought he did. Peeta would not be anywhere near that distraught over me leaving. "Haymitch, I am not going to tell him and neither are you. It won't be fair. I have messed with Peeta too much for it to be right. The best thing for him now would be if I just disappeared."

"Katniss, I really hope you know what you are doing. Peeta is a good kid, a great kid actually, though he got sidetracked a little bit there with the hijacking and all, he is still in love with you. I don't think anything on this Earth will keep him from loving you forever. You will be hurting him more than you can imagine by leaving him here without a goodbye. It will break him."

Haymitch's words pierced straight through me. Peeta in love with me? It wasn't true. I refused to get my hopes up, just for them to be shot down. There is no way he could be in love with me. He was going to be ok here in District 12. I was doing the right thing.

"Haymitch, I need to go. I can't be here anymore. I am suffocating here! Everything, all the pain and sadness, is choking me. I only brought suffering to this District. I cannot survive. I can't tell Peeta either," I whispered, pleading with Haymitch. _And I can't see him every day, knowing he will never love me the way I love him again_, I added in my head. The thought hit me hard. I realized that was the main reason for me running away. Though, I tried to make other excuses, the real reason was that I couldn't bear to lose Peeta, so if I leave him, there is no way I can lose him. I won't watch him fall in love with another girl and have a family that I am not included in. I was running away from my problems, but that was better than the other option.

He looked at me for a couple of seconds before saying, "Fine. I see what I can do. Just think about telling Peeta before you go, ok?"

I said that I would, with no intention of ever following through with the promise.

* * *

**Yay! I got the next chapter up! I told you I would:)**

**So, I bet you have tons of questions. Does Katniss tell Peeta that she is leaving? (She is Katniss. Is she ever cooperative?) Will Katniss be happy about leaving? (Hmmmm?) How is Katniss going to be around Peeta for the next couple of days? (Hehehe...) What is Peeta going to do when he finds out? (That reaction could actually be quite funny...) Is Haymitch right about Peeta being in love with Katniss? (This one is a bit self-explanatory.) **

**Don't you just love cliffies? ;) I'll try not to keep you guys hanging for too long. Hopefully the next chapter will be up either tomorrow or the next day. Until then, tell me what you think!  
**


	10. Chapter 10

10

I walked into my house and checked the clock. It told me that I had thirty minutes until Peeta said he was coming over. I took a quick shower and put some clean clothing. I had just walked into the living room and turned the television on when Peeta walked into my house. He found me curled up on the couch quickly and sat down beside me.

"So, what are we watching?" he asked, playfully.

I kept my eyes glued to the screen, not really taking anything in about what I was watching. I was already feeling guilty, and I knew I would completely break down and tell him if I saw that perfect smile on his lips. "I have no idea. I just turned it on and wasn't really paying very much attention," I replied.

"What were you doing, then, may I ask," he said. I could almost hear the smile in his words. I chanced a hopefully inconspicuous glance in his direction and almost completely melted under his gaze. There was a sparkle in his blue eyes, which I seemed to be getting lost in. I basically had to force myself not sigh with pleasure. I felt my cheeks reddening. He gave me a puzzled look, but didn't comment.

I turned my head, so that I could see him properly. "I was just thinking."

The corners of his mouth pulled downwards for a second as he nodded his head once. I was surprised he didn't inquire about my thoughts. I was about to say something, when I saw something peculiar in the corner of my eye. I turned my gaze back to the television screen and felt my jaw drop. There, on the TV, was a picture of Peeta and me in the middle of a kiss. I recognized instantly where we were. We were in the cave that we took refuge in during the first Hunger Games we were in. Peeta's leg was bandaged and so was my head.

Peeta turned to see what I was so amazed about, and then blush flooded his cheeks. After a couple of minutes watching the program, we came to realize that they were playing a mini-documentary about Peeta and me. We watched silently as pictures and short clips flashed on and off the screen of us. First about the 74th Hunger Games, then about the Victory Tour, then the next Quarter Quell, and then the rebellion. There was a man who spoke in monotone who described our story about being "star-crossed lovers."

There were clips of Peeta and I's interviews with Caesar Flickerman, some of the later ones after Peeta had been capture of just the two of them, clips from both our Hunger Games and the Victory Tour, and even some clips of propos. Basically anything to do with both Peeta and me. The monotone-speaking man went on to describe the details about how the Hunger Games changed our lives, and how we now reside in District 12, but it was wrong. The story he told was the story we fed to the Capitol, not the real story about Peeta and I.

The man with the monotone voice described our love as undying and said that we were going to live happily ever after together. He didn't mention me breaking Peeta's heart on our train ride home from our first Hunger Games, or how we didn't talk to each other for months after that. He didn't explain how our "undying love" was a scheme, made up for the cameras. He never mentioned Gale at all, unless he was referring to him as my cousin, never explaining how I could never choose between the two until it was too late. He probably didn't even know. Nobody beside Peeta and I would ever know the real story of what happened between us. The rest of the world could believe what they want.

"I guess people still love our drama," Peeta said, emotionlessly.

I replied, just as indifferent, "They never could keep the cameras away from us."

I could tell he was just as disgusted by the program as I was. They would never leave us alone, would they? Were they even authorized to show a story about our lives without us knowing? Did it even matter to them? I turned off the TV, not wanting to see anymore of the horrid show, and Peeta didn't try to protest.

We didn't say anything more about the show. Instead we did other things to distract us. He helped me clean the house, while he baked something in the oven. The smell was wafting through the rooms, and it smelt delicious. We talked and talked just like we always did. Sometimes we would laugh, sometimes he would have to distract me some more when something would remind me of Prim. I had pulled out the plant book that I liked to look through. I was sitting on the floor, flipping through the pages. Peeta was sitting on the couch behind me, reading over my shoulder. Next thing I knew, it was very late. I turned around to Peeta to suggest that I he should go home and go to sleep to find that he was already asleep on my couch. Not wanting to wake him up, I found a blanket to cover him, smiled at how peaceful he looked, and walked upstairs to me own bed.

I fell asleep immediately, but the nightmares came just as fast. I was running around again, in the clock arena of the Quarter Quell. My arm was bleeding where Johanna had attacked me. I was running frantically trying to find Peeta, knowing that everything would be ok if I could just find him. I heard his voice coming from somewhere to the left of me. He was screaming my name. "I'm coming!" I yelled back at him, as I sprinted as fast as I could in the general direction.

Peeta was now screaming, and I could hear the fear in them. I ran faster and harder as the screams got louder and louder. I had just run through a bush and caught him in my sight. Peeta was laying helplessly on the ground, wounded in the leg again, as a dark figure stalked closer to him, ready to kill. I knew I was too far away to save him, but I ran anyway. I then saw Brutus stab Peeta right through the heart.

"No, Peeta," I whispered. Then I screamed, "PEETA!"

Then, I found myself covered in sweat, tangled in my blankets. Peeta was hovering over me, saying "Katniss, I am right here."

I felt my heart rate come down and my breathing slow instantly when I saw his face. Tears of relief spilled over my eyes, and more sobs shook my body harder than ever. Peeta climbed into my bed and wrapped his arms around me. I cried into his shoulder. I knew I probably should tell him that I was fine and send him away if I were being a selfless person, but I wasn't being a selfless person, so I let him comfort me, happy that he was lying next to me.

Finally, I stopped crying and silence entered the room. I was still shaking from fear, but it wasn't as bad now that Peeta was with me.

"Maybe you should tell me about it," he said, breaking the silence. "They say that telling someone usually helps."

I looked away. Sensing my reluctance, Peeta then added, "Or you don't have to if you don't want to. I was just asking."

I replied, barely over a whisper, "No, it's fine. It's just, Peeta, do you remember when you told me that your nightmares usually consist of you losing me?" He nodded, with a slightly confused looking on his face. "Well, I dreamt of losing you."

A light bulb lit up inside his mind, and he immediately understood. He understood unlike so many, who never experienced how terrible the Hunger Games really were, would. He knew how I was afraid of my own shadow, and to dream of being alone, of losing another person who meant the world to me, was unthinkable. "Katniss, I'm here. I'm ok. We both are ok. It wasn't real. It was just a dream."

It felt good, lying in Peeta's arms for the second night in a row. I knew this wasn't going to make me leaving any better, but I didn't care at the moment. I wanted nothing more than to be with him, right now. I was going to stay as close to him as possible, until I leave.

"Peeta, the nightmares aren't as bad when you are with me. Do you think you could stay with me more often, like you used to?" I asked, partially hoping he wouldn't answer.

"Of course," he murmured.

I snuggled closer to him, taking in his scent. I wanted to remember everything about him, though I knew from firsthand experience that memories fade. I was sorry I would never get to make the book. I could do it when I am in District 4, but there will be nobody there who could possibly paint the pictures as well as Peeta could. Besides, I didn't really want to make it without him.

I knew it should have been a sad moment, or I shouldn't at least be so happy, but I could bring myself to regret my actions. I loved Peeta, and if this was what it would take to get close to him, then so be it. My conscience in the back of my mind was telling me that this was a mistake, that the whole entire idea of running was a mistake. I pushed it away though. My conscience sounded a lot like Haymitch, and I didn't want it to ruin the moment.

We fell asleep there, neither of us moving away from the other. No nightmares crept into sleep. I could feel the faintest of smiles creep on my lips as I slept, and somehow knew that Peeta was wearing one that mirrored my own.


	11. Chapter 11

**So, you guys probably hate me and think I have forgotten about you. Trust me, I haven't! It has probably been killing me as much as it has been killing you that I haven't posted anything in about a month! I had this chapter half written for a couple of weeks now, I just haven't had the time to finish it whatsoever. I decided this morning that i was going to post something no matter what. Even if it killed me. Thankfully I did:)

* * *

**

11

I woke up that next morning while Peeta was still asleep. I looked around the room, remembering how peaceful sleep was with him near me. I crawled out of the bed, careful not to wake him up. I went downstairs, and thought about Haymitch. Would he have information about whether or not the Capitol would let me go? Did I want to know, after such a perfect night? _Nights aren't always going to be like that_, I told myself. I needed to remember that I was doing this for everybody. Forgetting all selfishness, these people were still better off not seeing my face anymore.

I left my house and walked towards Haymitch's. I walked slowly, trying not to think about Peeta lying in my bed. The cool air felt good on my face. I could see the town in the distance from where I was standing. There were some old faces mixed with new ones. Hazel and her children never came back. Maybe they went to District 2 also? I wasn't sure. I was relieved by this stroke of luck. I don't think I would be able to hold myself together if I were to see Gale's family. They would all remind me of him, and no matter what I did, there was no way I could shake the thought about the bomb. Was it his bomb?

I then pushed all thoughts about the bombs and Gale out of my mind. There was no way to change it, so there was no reason to think about it. It only brought sobs and tears. I reached Haymitch's and let myself in. I was surprised to see that he wasn't in the kitchen. "Haymitch?" I yelled. I have never been past his kitchen. I never had a need to. Usually he was always so drunk that he stayed here, and would use the connecting bathroom.

Haymitch didn't answer, so I tried calling again. Again he didn't answer. At this point, something caught my eye. It was a note, tacked to the refrigerator. I pulled it off and read:

_Ran out of liquor, and there won't be another shipment for a month. Didn't like the sober deal, so I went to find some entertainment. Looking for geese. Be back in a bit._

_Haymitch_

I laughed to myself. Haymitch was actually going to try to take care of geese. I thought about going back to my house instead of waiting for Haymitch, but I didn't know when I would get the opportunity to see Haymitch alone again. Peeta will start asking questions, because, as Haymitch did prove, I basically only visited him when I needed him for something. Peeta will pick it up soon enough and try to find out what we are up to, and I sure didn't want him to find out.

I sat there and made myself breakfast while I waited. Finally when I was just about to give up waiting for Haymitch and walk home, I heard the door open. I heard Haymitch's heavy footsteps come nears to the kitchen. A couple of seconds later he entered the room. He faintly smelled of the woods, which brought tears to my eyes. I haven't been hunting since I tried to that one day so many months ago. I don't know why, but it seemed to lose its glimmer now. I pushed back the memories, and swiped away the wetness in my eyes. I try to be inconspicuous, but I knew Haymitch noticed. I silently thanked him for not bringing it up.

"So," I said, trying to break to tension that was growing in the room. "Did you find any geese?"

He nodded. We then stared at each other for a long time. I wanted to say something, anything, but nothing came to my mind. I even almost forgot the reason why I came to Haymitch's in the first place. There was just something about his piercing stare, like he was using some sort of x-ray vision on me, like he was reading my most inner thoughts and feelings. I wanted to shut my brain completely down. A shiver ran up my spine, and I almost left then and there, but Haymitch said something that made me stay.

"One month."

My insides turned into mush. I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. I could see myself nod nonchalantly. I knew what he was saying. They were going to bring me to my mother in one month. It was a lot longer than I expected, but I was glad that the Capitol agreed at all. Besides, this will give me enough time to say goodbye to Peeta in my own way.

Neither of us said anything else, and I eventually got up and went back to my house. I couldn't process anything. I felt like I even lost my ability to think. I walked into my house and thankfully saw that Peeta was not up, yet. I didn't think I had the mental capability to think up some excuse as to where I was at the moment. I just climbed back into the bed, curled into his warmth, and fell back asleep.

The next month was hard. I tried to quietly say goodbye to my house. I packed only the necessities and hid everything so Peeta wouldn't find anything. Haymitch kept on telling me that I should tell Peeta about me leaving District 12. "Or better yet," he would say, "why don't you drop this entire, stupid idea and stay." I kept on telling him that I shouldn't. I didn't want to stay, and I didn't want to tell Peeta that I was leaving. I didn't want him to give me some reason to stay. I didn't think I would be able to resist him if he wanted me to stay, but I also couldn't torture myself by staying. I couldn't go through each day, being in love with my best friend without him ever knowing, and I definitely couldn't tell him. I had no choice.

Peeta continued to stay with me. He practically lived in my house. Every night, after the nightmares would wake me up, his arms are open and ready to soothe me. He would whisper in my ear and let me cry on his shoulder, until I was calm enough to fall back asleep. He knew when to just let me cry or when I needed him to talk to me. He knew everything about me, and he might have even known me better than I knew myself. He was my best friend and everything I could ask for. I was selfish these moments, holding on to him tighter, hoping he would never let go, though I knew he would eventually.

The Capitol had one condition for letting me leave, though. I had to continue talking to Dr. Aurelius until he officially declared me sane, or what was considered sane. I didn't plan on not talking to him anymore, so I happily complied with their request. One day, about two weeks away from the day I supposed to be leaving, I was talking with him.

"Katniss, has anything interesting happened today?" he asked me in that soft voice of his.

This is always hoe we started our conversations. I would tell him about the high points of my day, and he would somehow creepily psychoanalyze my life though my statements. I didn't really get it, nor did I really care. All I knew is that I was getting better. I felt more whole now, and I don't burst out into tears at the smallest things. I was starting to realize that most of the deaths that I blamed myself for, for so long, I couldn't have prevented. I was healing, and even though the nightmares haven't gone away, and probably won't, I was starting to feel like I going to be ok for once in my life.

"I don't know. Nothing really," I told him. It wasn't a fully true statement, because today my father has been on my mind throughout the entire day, but I wasn't going to share that.

"Oh. Well, there was something interesting I saw today," he replied.

I was confused. We usually only talk about me and my life. Never once in all our conversations has he ever told me something that has happened to him.

"I saw a program on the television," he then continued once he realized I wasn't going to say anything.

"It was about you and Peeta. It was kind of a documentary about you two."

My face instantly turned into a frown. I knew without further description he was talking about the same show Peeta and I watched only two weeks ago.

"I think I have seen the same program," I replied, not trying at all to mask my annoyance of the topic.

Dr. Aurelius then said, "I see that irks you. Why do you think that is?"

I found this a stupid question. Why else would this annoy me? "Well, if your entire life was open to the world and you didn't have a second of privacy in it, maybe you would understand," I snapped.

"Does it bother you how they portray you and Peeta?" he then continued to ask.

I still haven't talked about Peeta that much. He was still too personal of a topic. There was just too much that went with him. I didn't answer him.

Dr Aurelius then continued, "Because you aren't very open about you and Peeta's relationship, at least the _real _relationship between you guys. So I am assuming, and I am pretty sure my assumptions are correct because I believe I know you pretty well, that you love Peeta a lot. Whether or not you are in love with him only you can say, but I do believe you do care for him. So, seeing that would probably not please you too much. Maybe because you are not sure about your feelings for him. Maybe that scares you. Maybe that's why you are running away."

"You're wrong!" I practically shouted, cutting him off. I continued screaming at him, not caring about what I said. I thanked my lucky stars later, though, that Peeta left to buy some food, so I could be alone with the psychiatrist. "I am not running away, just because I am unsure! In fact, he is the only thing I am sure of anymore! And my feelings for Peeta are none of your business anyways, so why does it even matter!"

He was unfazed by my screaming. He just replied, in his too-calm voice, "It matters, because you need to figure out that running away isn't going to solve your problems for you. It's just going to make them worse."

Neither of us said anything after that. There was silence between us for five minutes. Then I slowly put the phone back on the receiver, ending our call. He didn't call back, thankfully. I sat there and stared at the wall for a couple more minutes, contemplating what the shrink said. Would this make my problems worse? Did I have any real problems I was trying to solve? I was just trying to let Peeta and I move on with our lives, without all the baggage knowing each other brought. Was I running away for the wrong reasons?

* * *

**As always, tell me what you think;)**


	12. Chapter 12

12

Peeta walked in to find me still sitting in front of the telephone, staring at the wall. I had so much on my mind that he had to say my name a couple of times before I actually heard him.

"Katniss? Are you ok?" he asked.

I turned towards him and tried to put on the best smile I could muster. "Of course! Why would I be?" I heard my voice go a pitch higher than normal, and I knew I sounded so fake that Peeta wouldn't believe me for a second.

"Seriously, Katniss. What's wrong? You know you can talk to me about anything." Guilt surged through my entire body. He was going to hate me when he finds out what I am doing. His blue eyes seemed to be piercing straight through me, reading all my thoughts. _He must be taking lessons from Haymitch,_ I grumbled in my mind.

"I don't know," I sighed. "I just have a lot on my mind at the moment." It wasn't a lie.

"Do you want to talk about it? You seemed to be really anxious lately. I thought maybe Dr. Aurelius could have helped you with whatever has been on your mind for the past couple of weeks, but I guess he didn't," he replied.

"Am I really that obvious?" I asked. I thought I had been masking my anxiousness pretty well. But nothing gets through him. That's why he has survived this long.

"No. I just know you really well," he said nonchalantly.

An involuntary smile grew on my lips. "Don't worry about it. I am just being stupid. It's really nothing," I heard myself lie.

The next two weeks went by faster than ever. The day before I left, I made sure I was by Peeta's side the entire time. Night came too quickly. Peeta, forever a gentleman, usually stayed on the couch downstairs until the nightmares wake me up. "Sweet dreams," he said as I walked towards the stairs.

I turned around, gave him a quick, sarcastic laugh, and said, "Yeah, like that's going to happen."

"Hey, you never know," he replied with a smirk.

I just gave him one last smile and started walking towards that stairs again.

"Goodnight," he called after me.

I turned to look at him one more time. I wanted to say I was sorry. Sorry for all the things I have done and sorry for all the things I am going to do. I wanted to tell him that I have hurt so many people, and was never good at protecting the ones I loved. I wanted to tell him, that if you truly love something, you should let it go, and that's what I am doing. I am letting him go, because I am no good for him. I am broken inside, and maybe I will never truly be fixed. I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I didn't tell him any of these things. Instead, I just said, "Goodnight, Peeta."

_Faster, faster, faster, _I told myself. I was running. I couldn't exactly remember what I was running to. I didn't even really know where I was. I just knew that I had to go fast. It was when I saw the hovercraft with the Capitol emblem on it that I started to realize where I was. I was in the Capitol. About two hundred yards away, I saw the group of children, huddled together being guarded by Capitol soldiers. Then hovercraft dropped what I knew to be bombs on the children. It was when the first wave went off, that the sense of déjà vu kicked in. Then I saw her, she was running to go save the injured children. I knew that was a bad idea.

"Prim!" I screamed, but she couldn't hear me. I was too far away. I ran faster and faster, trying to get there before what I knew was coming next. "Prim! Prim! PRIM!" I shouted louder and louder, running faster and faster. "I was completely out of breath at this point, and I could only muster one more scream. "Prim!"

This time she heard me though. She turned and smiled at me. Her face looking the exact same way it did, those last moments of her life. Then the bombs went off.

"Prim! No! PRIM!"

I opened my eyes. He was standing right there. He pulled me into his arms. I rested my head on his shoulder and breathed in his scent. For some reason, no tears came, no sobs racked my body, nothing. Maybe I was in shock, experiencing my sister's death so vividly for the second time. Maybe my brain just completely stopped processing, stopped thinking.

Neither of us said anything, which was surprising because Peeta usually has to talk to me to calm me down. There just seemed to be something at the moment. Like some weird connection between the two of us, and talking would somehow break it. So we just sat there. He pulled me tighter towards him, and laid us both down, never letting go of me. Eventually we fell asleep.

Next thing I knew, I was awake once again. It was still dark outside, and for a second I thought we slept through the entire day, and I had missed the hovercraft. I checked the clock though, and realized it was only five in the morning. I was leaving in an hours. I stared at Peeta for the next couple of moments. His blonde bangs waved a bit over his eyes. I could see the muscles through his shirt, which he built up carrying all that flour at the bakery. There was a slight smile on his lips, and I was happy that he was having sweet dreams. He looked so peaceful, so young.

"Goodbye, Peeta. I'll always love you," I whispered to his sleeping figure, knowing that was as close to me admitting it to him as I was ever going to get. Then I climbed out of the bed.

I walked into my closet, where my hidden, packed bag lived. It wasn't big. It only had some clothes, and my most prized possessions. I felt a pang of regret of not having the pearl. I briefly wondered where it was now. I then gave one last look at the sleeping Peeta and quietly left the house.

I walked toward Haymitch's house. He was the only person that I was going to give a real goodbye in all of District 12. I walked into his house to find him not there. I continued out of the kitchen, towards the backyard. I found him staring at his geese. They were running around wildly, honking probably because something scared them.

"Morning," I replied.

"Morning," he said, gruffly. I knew he thought I was making a mistake, so I was grateful that he was going along with it.

I stood next to him, both of us observing the geese running around the yard. "I am assuming you didn't tell Peeta."

I didn't reply, because he already knew my answer. "It's a shame. He deserves better than that."

"Give this to him, for me," I then said, holding out a letter I wrote to Peeta. It was some poor excuse for a goodbye, but it was all I could do. Haymitch grabbed the letter and tucked it into his pocket.

"I guess this is goodbye, then."

I nodded. We stood there in silence for a couple more second. I finally broke it by saying, "Thanks."

"For what?"

"For giving me the best advice of my life."

"And what was that?" he asked, slightly confused.

"Stay alive."

"Goodbye, Sweetheart," was all he said.

"Goodbye, Haymitch," I replied. Then I left.

The walk to the hovercraft was torture. I felt tears running down my face, as I thought about what I was doing. I wiped them away, cursing them. I finally made it to the meadow. There was plenty of grass and space so it was easy to land here. It was bad for me though, because of all the memories that lived here. I felt another pang of regret for not going hunting anymore. I could probably escape my thoughts for a couple of hours if I did. That's what always happened before. I haven't even touched a bow since that day so many months ago.

I saw the hovercraft. It was large. Larger than I remembered hovercrafts being. I slowly walked to it, trying my hardest not to look back. _I am doing the right thing, I am doing the right thing, I am doing the right thing,_ I told myself over and over again. "Katniss Everdeen?" I guard asked as I walked up to the doorway of the hovercraft.

I nodded. "Right this way," he replied.

I was just about to follow him onto the hovercraft, when I heard my name being called. It was the only voice I wasn't expecting to hear, the only voice I would turn around for at the moment. I saw him running towards me. I didn't move from where I was standing, but he caught up to me soon enough. After a couple of seconds, he was standing about a foot away from me. He looked slightly angry, but mostly worried and maybe a tinge of sadness.

"Peeta," I said, keeping my voice as steady as possible, "what are you doing here?"

"Katniss Everdeen, you were going to leave District 12, leave me, forever, without me even knowing. All you gave me was a letter. And you are asking me, what I am doing here?"

"Haymitch told you?" I whispered.

"Yeah. He practically scared me to death this morning, but he told me I deserved to know, which I did."

I looked down at the ground and didn't say anything. I was concentration too hard on trying not to cry.

"Katniss, you are not leaving," he said, raising his voice.

I was about to give in, but the stubbornness in me told me to fight back. I looked up at him and said, just as loud, "Yes I am."

"Why Katniss? Why do you want to leave so badly?" he yelled.

"Because I love you!" I cried back. Then I realized what I said.

We stared at each other for a long time, neither of us saying anything. There was a look of shock on his face. I felt my heart break. He didn't love me back. Somewhere, deep down inside of me, I guess I let myself hope that night love me back.

Tears welled up into my eyes. I turned around and started toward the door again, knowing that I wouldn't be able to hold them back. "I gotta go," I mumbled.

Next thing I knew, he grabbed me hand, pulled me to him, and said, "You don't know how long I have been waiting for you to say that."

Then, before I could reply, he pressed his lips against mine. The kiss was soft and sweet, as our lips moved perfectly in sync. It wasn't for the cameras. It wasn't so we could keep up the "star-crossed lover" story. I didn't need to prove anything, protect anybody. I wasn't panicked. So, I just melted into him and feeling happier than I have ever been, never wanting to part.

When we finally did, Peeta pressed his forehead against mine and said, "I love you, too."

* * *

**It took me forever to write this chapter. I wanted it to be absolutely perfect. Hopefully you guys liked it as much as I did:)**

**You guys are probably hating me right now. I know, I know. It is kind of evil leaving you with that cliffhanger. Trust me though, I am going to be posting faster now that I finally have more time on my hands. **

**The next couple of chapters are going to have some different twists to them, some new surprises, and tons of Katniss being Katniss. I am going to shift the focus away from the mushy PeetaXKatniss fluff. Even though it was fun to write it in this chapter, it just doesn't seem like Katniss's style;) Also, I am moving away from the mopey Katniss. She was starting to even annoy me! Anyways, as always, tell me what you think:)  
**


	13. Chapter 13

**Ok, I totally know you guys are not happy, considering I said I would update faster and didn't. I give my apologies!**** Hopefully I **** don't take forever to finish this story:( Anyways, here is the next chapter. As always tell me what you think. **

* * *

13

I searched through my closet looking for something important. Something I knew was here, even though I had hidden so perfectly that I almost even couldn't remember where I hid it. I pushed away all thoughts of it before, but now, everything is changing. I needed something to remind me of the past. Peeta and I did start working on our book. The book filled with pages of so many people lost. Everyday another person is added. Therapy kind of ended since I mentioned the book.

I found it hiding in the darkest, farthest back corner of the tight space. I grabbed my father's bow, and just stared at it in my palms. It seemed small and fragile in my hands, but I knew that wasn't the case. In my hands this was one of the most deadly weapons, at least, that was the case years ago. I already was starting to feel better having something so familiar to me in my hands.

It had to be at least three years now. I guess you could say I am whole again. I still feel pain surge through me if I think about the people of my past, but I can bare it now. Maybe it's because Peeta is holding my hand every step of the way. Maybe it's because I learned to accept it all and not try to blame it all on myself. Who truly knows? All I know is that I woke up this morning and needed to hunt. I haven't had an urge to in so long. I guess in my mind, hunting became tainted. Tainted by how much the Capitol advertised my archery skills. Tainted by the thoughts of Gale that always comes with it. Tainted by how many people I killed with my bow and arrows.

It didn't matter today. I needed to be out of the house. I needed to think. I needed to be by myself. Something that I still avoided, but something that today I desperately needed. So I left Peeta sleeping quietly in the bed and walked out of the house. I felt slightly guilty leaving Peeta without a word. I knew he would worry, but he won't come looking for me.

He could tell something has been on my mind lately, and something has. He has been dropping hints stating that I should talk to him, and usually I would. I don't keep secrets from him anymore. Well, except for this one. I have been pushing them aside, though. I knew the topic would upset him. Since I wouldn't talk to him, I think he expected me to run off and get some space sometime soon. He knows I will come back. I love him too much to leave him forever, and I was sure of that now. He was definitely the best thing that has ever happened to me.

The day was bright and sunny. I couldn't actually remember what day it was. I didn't think it useful to remember. I left the Victor's Village easily. The hard part was getting past town without anybody noticing me. I don't like going into town as much as I used to. Of course, I have to. I like to help out at the medicine factories or check up on old friends, but whenever I go into town there are always people who want to shake my hand or get an autograph. It reminds me too much of times when I was in the Capitol. Times where I had to look like a celebrity.

So I stayed close to the edges. There was no wall for me to hide behind any longer, but that didn't matter. I was good at staying quiet and stealthy. I always was. So I crept from bush to tree, quickly making my way to Gale and I's meeting place. I turned away quickly, not wanting to think about him. I needed to get him out of my mind.

The forest was teeming with life. I could hear them everywhere. I think that there were actually more animals now than there was then. Maybe that's because nobody was here to kill them now. It didn't really matter.

I started to test some arrows, shooting at a random tree in the distance. I missed by a lot. Way over a few feet off. It was actually kind of depressing. I slightly hoped that I would have just magically retained all my skills, and I would be as perfect as I was during the war. Though I knew that wasn't going to be the case, I didn't think I would be this bad.

I changed my target to a tree that was closer to me, and continued to practice shooting. After about an hour of practice, I started to get a feel for the bow again, and began to hit the tree perfectly every time. I changed my target a little farther out. I tried to focus on what I was doing, but my mind started to drift.

I reflect on the years since I have returned to District 12. The life in the Meadow has multiplied. It reminds me of Gale way too much. I am always thinking about gale these days, though I try my hardest not to. I always have to tell myself not to dwell on the past when I do, but everything in my life besides Peeta seems to be revolving around Gale, ironically. I would talk to Peeta about it, and I know he would understand, but I also know it will hurt him to know that I still think of Gale more than I really should. And I have put Peeta through too much pain already.

About a week ago, I went into town to buy some supplies. Peeta needed more flour to make bread, and I wanted to buy a couple of things for myself. Peeta went to go check up on Haymitch. A new shipment of liquor came into town, and Peeta wanted to make sure that Haymitch didn't kill himself from alcohol poisoning. As I was walking in the town, I ran into someone. Someone from my past. Someone who I thought I would never see again. It was Hazelle and the kids. All of them except for one. Gale.

"Katniss!" she said, looking a little flustered. I could tell that they just arrived in District 12. Her kids and her still had all their bags with them. Some of the younger ones were whining, while Hazelle looked exhausted. From the look of surprise in her eyes, I could tell she wasn't expecting to see me so soon.

I lamely pulled the bag of flour I was carrying closer to me, as if that would protect me. I automatically went looking for Gale, and I found myself sighing with relief the second I found he wasn't there.

"Hi," I said a bit shyly.

She gave me a weak smile. "How have you been?"

She seemed older than I remembered her. The light that had always been in her eyes wasn't glowing as brightly. There were more worry lines on her face. I could tell that there was something wrong with her. Was she sick? Or was she just tired?

"Good. How are you?" I replied.

"I'm doing ok."

I then asked, "What brought you back to District 12?"

A faraway look appeared in her eyes. "Oh, I was just homesick," she said. Then she looked back at me, seemingly piercing me with her stare. "I wanted to bring the kids back home. Life is easier here than in District 2."

"Yeah," I replied, lamely. It was just Hazelle and me at this point. The kids drifted off, reminiscing about all the things they remember from District 12. There was an awkward silence between the two of us. Hazelle broke it by saying, "Do you want to know, or do you want me to not say anything?"

I knew we were talking about Gale. Did I want to know about him, how he was doing, how had his life changed? "I'm with Peeta now," I said instead of answering her question. Not that telling her changed anything, but I felt stronger when I said it. She didn't look surprised.

"That's good," she said. "I hope you guys are very happy together."

"We are." I sounded so defensive, even though I didn't mean to. I just didn't want Gale, or thoughts of Gale, to be the thing to separate us. Especially since we finally got to be happy. I didn't want to ruin that. "I'm sorry," I said. "I don't want to be rude or anything, but you being here is not good. For once in my life I am happy. For once in my life I got what I wanted. For once in my life I feel whole. Gale was my best friend, but he is gone now. Though, I don't particularly blame him for my sister, I still don't want him in my life. I can't deal with it right now."

And then I ran home as fast as I possibly could. I tried my best to hide my worry from Peeta, but he knew me too well. I didn't tell him what was wrong, though. I just let him keep on asking. I still don't even know if he knows Hazelle is back in town. I don't think so, or if he does he hasn't mentioned it to me. He is really worried about me, and I feel so guilty. I don't know why, though. I didn't do anything wrong.

My pent up feelings finally got the best of me. I couldn't talk to Peeta, Haymitch wouldn't understand, and there was nobody else. So I went hunting instead. I shot at random targets that I changed every couple of hours. I listened to the sounds of the forest. I didn't realize how much I missed them until now.

A couple of mockingjays flew over my head. I sang Rue's couple of note, as tears gathered up in my eyes. I looked to the sky and whispered, "What am I going to do?"

The sun had been down for many hours when I finally decided to head back to my house. I gathered my belongings and walked back towards civilization. I tried to be silent as I walked back into my house and crawled into bed with Peeta. He turned to face me and said with a tired looking smile on his lips, "Hello, stranger. I haven't seen you all day."

"I love you," I replied.

I curled into his arms as he kissed my forehead and said, "I love you, too."

I felt a sense of calmness wash over me as he said these words. They were the truth, of course. I just needed to trust them.


	14. Chapter 14

**Hey everybody! Here is the next chapter! It's kinda longish, sorta. Hopefully you guys like it. Oh, and just to clarify, the war has been over for three years and Katniss has been with Peeta for one year.**

* * *

14

_I was on fire. _I could see my sister in one instant. Then there was the explosion.

I was burning to my death. Nobody would be able to save me. Nobody was here. So, I just sat and waited for the darkness to consume me. I heard his voice, and I smiled. He was coming to my rescue. He was going to stop the horrid burning. He whispered my name softly. "Katniss…"

How could I resist something so sweet, something so nice. It was deep and strong. It almost completely engulfed me. But in the very next instant the voice made me sick. It was wrong. It wasn't the voice I knew and loved. It wasn't the voice that I thought I wanted to hear for the rest of my life.

But I still loved hearing him whisper my name. And that scared me.

I woke up, breathing deeply. I stretched out my hand, searching for Peeta who was supposed to be sleeping right next to me. I needed him. When I couldn't find him, I started to hyperventilate. I turned onto my side, scared to see what I would find. I found him sleeping peacefully, just out of reach. I calmed down almost instantly. He had that effect on me. He hadn't woken up from my panic attack, thankfully. I don't like worrying him.

I curled closer to him, basking in his warmth. _You love Peeta_. I have been saying those three words more and more to myself. They calm me. Peeta shifted in his sleep, wrapping his arm around my waist. I took a deep breath, taking in his scent. He smelt good, like grass and old books and something else that I couldn't quite place.

I was trying to picture his blue eyes when I felt my mind drift to another thought. I was picturing Gale's grey eyes. I frowned at the thought. He has been on my mind for way too long now. He is now even invading my dreams every night. I tried to get myself to thinking about Peeta again, but somehow I always ended up thinking about Gale. _You love Peeta._

It wasn't that I doubted that I made the right choice. No, I was positive that Peeta was the right guy for me. That I could never love Gale the way I love him. Gale was just such a big part of me too. I have known him longer, been friends with him longer. And yet, I was so willing to let him go. I pushed him away like it was nothing, and it was nothing to me. But that also worried me. Could I do that again? Could I do that to Peeta?

_You love Peeta. _I chanted to myself. Hunting today was a bad idea. It was a tainted action. Hunting once relaxed me. It was what I did to escape. Now it only brings back memories about how many people I killed with a bow. It brings back the memories of the days when Gale and I used to hunt. It was like an addiction, though. I think I liked torturing myself, or something.

Sometimes I feel like I lost a piece of me. The fiery side of me. Gale seemed to fuel the fire within me. So many years back, it helped. It helped me win the Hunger Games and later the war. Gale stood beside me the entire time, cheering me on. Keeping me pumped. _You love Peeta._

But Peeta was there too. But then a thought escaped the back of my mind. The part where I shove all thoughts that I don't want to think about. _Peeta wasn't by your side when he tried to choke you, _a soft voice inside my head claimed_._ I gasped at the thought. _He wasn't himself then, _I retaliated. Great, now I am arguing with myself. But, it wasn't his fault. It was the Capitols.

_Gale's idea had killed my sister, _I then thought. Then the little, evil voice in my head replied, _You don't know if that's true. _And it was right. I didn't know if it was true. I didn't know whose idea it was. I know he would never purposefully hurt my sister. He loved Prim almost as much as I did, but thinking that made it easier to let him go.

Now his mother was here, which means that he will come back. Maybe not to stay permanently, but he will want to visit his mother sometimes. I don't know what I'll do if he comes back, and I think that's what was really bothering me. I'm not good at dealing with people. That was always Peeta's strength. I couldn't keep it from him any longer. I needed him. I needed him to help me.

"Peeta," I whispered.

His eyes opened almost instantly. There was a scared look in them. He must have been having a nightmare. This upset me a bit. I never know when he is having a nightmare, so I can never help him like he always helps me. I can never wake him up and tell him it will be alright.

Sometimes I felt like I wasn't helping in this relationship, like I was dead weight. I constantly wake up screaming into the night and he is the only thing that can calm me down. I swear he loses too much sleep over me. But I can't return the favor. He claims that just seeing my face helps him more than I could ever imagine, but I don't believe him.

Then there are the moments when he has to hold on to the back of a chair, as some horrid vision flies past his eyes. I can't even be in the room for these moments, because Peeta always says that he won't be able to keep control with me there. He says that he just wants to keep me safe, and that just makes me feel even guiltier, because even when he is the one in pain he is still trying to take care of me.

I kissed him softly on the lips, and the fear immediately melted away from his eyes. We lied there, just kissing for a couple of minutes. Butterflies filled my stomach like they always do when he touches me. I momentarily forgot about all my troubles. My hand knotted itself in his blond locks, pulling him closer to me, but no matter how close I was, it was never close enough. His hand touched my stomach where the bare skin was peeking out from under my shirt. Tingles soon covered my entire body.

His hand started drifting up my body, slowly pulling my shirt up. He warm hands felt good on my cool body. He then reached to unhook my bra. I pulled away, feeling the blush rise to my cheeks. He sighed.

I didn't want it to go too far tonight. I wasn't ready for that step in our relationship, even though I knew Peeta was. Thankfully he didn't pressure me about it or make me feel guilty. I knew I loved him totally and that I was going to be with him for the rest of my life, but sex meant children, and I couldn't deal with that. I couldn't deal with being nervous after every time, because of the fact that I could have gotten pregnant. I didn't need and more worries in my life at the moment.

"Not that I don't like this little wake up call, but it's the middle of the night. Is everything ok?" he asked while chuckling a bit, trying to mask the worry in his voice.

I looked deeply into his blue eyes and said, "I couldn't sleep."

He frowned. "Did you have a nightmare?"

I thought about my dream, and nodded.

"What was it about," he then asked.

I didn't say anything at first. I wanted to tell him, but I didn't want to see the pain in his eyes. I considered lying to him and saying that I dreamt of something different, but I wanted him to know. He needed to know. After everything I had put him through when I was still friends with Gale, he deserved to know.

"Gale."

I had closed my eyes. I didn't want to see his face. I couldn't deal with the mix of sadness and anger I knew he would wear.

The tension in the room grew so thick, that I could have probably cut it with a knife. He didn't move or say anything, which I took as a good sign.

It felt like an eternity before he said, "Is that what has been bothering you for the past week."

I couldn't tell if he was angry or not. He, in fact, sounded almost emotionless, but I didn't dare open my eyes. "I saw Hazel in town the other day, and I just haven't been able to push him out of my thoughts since then."

"I know. Haymitch told me that she was back. I was worried because you didn't tell me though," he merely replied.

I had suspected he knew, since he wasn't pressuring me to tell him about what has been on my mind, like I thought he would. "I didn't want to hurt you," I whispered.

"Katniss, look at me." I wasn't a request. It was a demand.

I slowly opened my eyes, and looked into his ice blue ones. He didn't seem angry or sad. He just seemed tired.

After he knew I was paying attention, he slowly said, making every word clear, "Never, and I mean never, keep something hidden from me that is bothering you just because you think it will hurt me. You don't deserve to suffer alone."

I felt the anger bubble up in me. "You don't deserve to suffer at all!" I basically shouted back.

"Katniss, we are a team. We have always been a team. You don't have to go through everything by yourself. Let me help you," he pleaded.

"But aren't you worried about Gale at all?" I cried.

"I'm worried about what Gale coming back would do to you."

He wasn't worried about our relationship at all. Did he really think that we were that strong? He was the real strong one though.

"You are always helping me. Always. And all I have ever done is brought you more stress and pain. I want to be able to help you too!" And there it was. All my worries and insecurities were out in the open.

"Katniss, you do help me-"

"No I don't!" I cut him off. This was an argument that has been occurring more and more often these days, but never have they been this bad. Never have I yelled at him. "I feel like this entire relationship is one-sided. Like I am weak. Like I am bringing you down."

"You are not weak. You know I love you more than anything, and you could never bring me down," he replied calmly.

How could he be so calm? It was frustrating me. I wanted him to yell back. I didn't want him to be mature about it. "I do nothing anymore! I have no one to take care of! No one to be strong for! I feel useless. I want to be the girl on fire!"

"You don't have to be the girl on fire anymore. You have been taking care of people for so long, Katniss. It's your turn to just relax. You deserve to just be happy for at least a few years. Katniss, I love you." he said, quietly.

I didn't want that, though. I have been protecting people for so long now, that since I had nobody to protect anymore, I felt useless.

"You don't love him anymore do you?"

Peeta said these words so quietly, that I almost thought that it was in my head, but I knew they weren't because of the look on his face. I knew this would happen. It's why I have been putting off telling him. I thought back to my dream, and how hearing Gale's voice made me sick. I knew that I didn't love him.

"No."

I couldn't tell if he believed me or not. I felt tears well up into my eyes.

He brush away my tears, and pulled my chin up, so that I was looking at his face again. "Marry me."

"What?" I was so surprised.

"Marry me."

* * *

**Yeah, I know I said I will move away from all the fluff, but I just couldn't help myself;)**

**As always, tell me what you think.  
**


	15. Chapter 15

15

I was walking towards Haymitch's once for the first time in weeks. I don't know what had come over me, but I felt the need to be in open air. I needed to also talk to him. I had a lot on my mind. I needed to figure some things out and I needed to ask him some things. Haymitch always seemed to answers to everything.

I closed my eyes as I walked, knowing that it was dangerous. I would probably run into a tree or something, but I didn't really care. I kinda wanted to shut out the world at the moment. It was like I was in some kind of daze. It was unreal how I was feeling right now. It was more than unreal. It was ridiculous.

I could not believe Peeta had proposed. Just like that. As if it was nothing. As if it wasn't the biggest question that could ever be asked. After all these years, didn't he know that I never really wanted to get married anyways? I had been warming up to the idea since I've been with him, but still I hadn't wanted to be married for at least a couple of years, if at all. But I would have totally been fine with never getting married.

Peeta had no right to ask something so ridiculous from, especially this early in our relationship. I was almost angry at him for doing that to me. He couldn't surprise me with something as big as this. It was insanity. What was I supposed to tell him?

I barely had slept last night. This morning, I got out of bed very early. I threw on the first clean clothes I had seen and left the house. I didn't really ever care how I looked, but today I cared even less. I had way too much on my mind.

I walked into Haymitch's house, surprisingly seeing him awake. Even more out of character, he was washing the dishes. Actually scrubbing them until they were spotless, scrutinizing them for even a speck of dirt, then scrubbing some more. I stood there in the doorway, unnoticed for a couple minutes, just completely in shock. Never in my life did I ever think Haymitch was even capable of doing housework.

Finally I came to my senses and cleared my throat. He jumped and turned to face me with a look of surprise and a touch of embarrassment on his face. "Are you busy? I could come back later," I said with a smirk. I knew it was a bit cocky, but I couldn't resist. This was just too precious.

He gave me an icy glare, and the saying "If looks could kill," ran through my mind. He quietly mumbled, "Shut up," and then threw the dishrag he was using into the soapy sink. "What do you want?"

"No, seriously. You totally look like you are busy, maybe I should come back later," I said, knowing that I was now being rude and mean, and taking it a bit too far, but I didn't care at the moment. I needed to blow off steam.

"I just have had a lot on my mind lately, and if you are going to be a little brat then you might as well leave because you aren't going to get any help from me," he replied. I could now see the stress in his eyes. He seemed tired and worried too, like something was really bothering him. I don't think I have ever seen him like this. A pang of guilt surged through me, but I pushed it quickly away. I didn't want to be guilty too on a day like this.

I sat down at his table and sighed. I mumbled a meager apology and asked him what he has been worrying about. He didn't say anything back. I could feel his eyes on my back, examining me. I was waiting for him to comment on something. He always had something to say. He finally opened his mouth and said, "Wow, you look awful."

"I know."

"What happened?"

"I asked you first," I replied.

He replied a bit sourly, "That's none of your business, now is it?"

"What's wrong about me isn't any of your business either?" I replied a bit sarcastically.

"Well, you are the one who came here and unload all of you problems onto me. So, that technically makes it my business now, doesn't it? So, what do you want?" He then asked, with cockiness tainting his voice and a smirk on his face.

I scowled. He had won and he knew it, but I wasn't going to let him have the satisfaction. "I want a drink."

Though, that wasn't what I originally came here for, I knew that is exactly what I wanted.

He frowned at first, thinking about it, but then the smirk eventually made it back to his face. "Fine, but we might not want to mention this time to Peeta. I believe it could end very badly, especially after the last time, and I appreciate my head attached to my body."

I knew he was referring to the other time, Haymitch allowed me to get drunk in his presence. I knew he was probably right, but I didn't say anything. I just waited patiently for him to grab the liquor. There were way too many things on my mind, and I wanted it all to be cleared. Getting drunk was the easiest way to get what I wanted.

Haymitch brought out two glasses and a bottle of liquor. I smiled to myself at the sight of it. "Since when have you been one to use glasses?" I asked.

"Since, right now," he said as he poured two glasses.

We both grabbed ours. He held his up and said, "Cheers."

"Bottom's up," I replied, as I clinked my glass against his. Then I downed my entire glass. At first the burning sensation down my throat was uncomfortable, but after a second, I started to feel a bit better. I drank cup after cup feeling a little bit better after every single one. I could feel my brain go a bit foggy, but I was a good kind of foggy. One that hid away all the unwanted thoughts that was in my mind. Soon enough, even the burning down my throat subsided. I felt numb.

"So, Sweetheart, life got you at the throat again?"

I laughed at his analogy and said, "I think that it has you in its clutches more than it has me. I mean, I wasn't the one doing dishes."

"Yes, but then again, I'm not the one who looks like I rolled out from a cave or something," he replied.

I looked down at myself and shrugged. Whatever.

"So, may I again ask why were you doing the dishes?"

He didn't say anything at first, he just swirled his drink in his cup. He stared at me for a second. Shivers ran up my spine, as he x-rayed me. His eyes were dark. Eventually he said, "It's nothing. Just me being stupid."

He really seemed like he didn't want to talk about, and I knew he would if he did, so I let it slide. Maybe I would send Peeta here later. He would be a better person to talk to anyways.

Then his eyes brightened once again and he said, "Sweetheart, you might as well stop stalling. You know you are going to tell me, whatever you need to tell me sooner or later. Let's make it sooner since I am in a good mood, and I'm willing to deal with you right now."

I took a deep breath. What was I waiting for? I opened my mouth and said, "Peeta proposed last night."

It was the first time I had said the words out loud. Between that and Haymitch's face, I just couldn't hold in the laughter that I knew was coming. Haymitch's look of shock stared at me, as my loud, obnoxious laughs filled up the room.

Finally Haymitch seemed to register what I had said, "He proposed? Like the entire ring, down on one knee, happy proposal?"

"Well, I think I was spontaneous, so no ring. We were in bed, so no kneeling. And it was after a fight, so I guess it wasn't exactly happy either, but it was a proposal. Can you believe it?" I asked, laughing some more. It was so insane. Even I, who was there, didn't believe it. What was Peeta thinking?

"What was Peeta thinking?" Haymitch said echoing my thoughts word for word. "Doesn't he know you better? You are not one for commitments and love and stuff. You would think that he would know that a proposal to you is like a ticket to jail."

"Hey," I said. "I can be committed. And you don't even get tickets to go to jail. I mean seriously, who would want one of those?"

"Right," Haymitch merely replied. I could see disbelief in his eyes.

"No seriously!" I said, starting to defend myself. "I have always known I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, since we have been together. But never in my life did I think he would actually propose. I mean seriously, let's be honest, I have never been the one who wanted marriage. I have always said that. I have even told him that."

"I think that's what I-"

"Don't interrupt. I am having a revelation here," I said. I was talking more to myself than to him at this point, but it was all the same. I needed all my thoughts outside my head. I needed to hear the out loud, so that I could process them correctly. I was in such a state of shock at the moment, and the alcohol wasn't helping.

"I have told him that I have never seriously considered marriage, and that I think I don't ever want to be married. It's like sex. Marriage leads to children, and I most definitely don't want children. I don't think I could take having a child. Always worrying for it, being responsible for it, loving it, taking care of it, seeing it cry, and get its heart broken. I couldn't deal with that mess. Plus, I have commitment issues. I mean, the second I realize how much I am in love with him, I am ready to ditch him. But you know what's even more insane than this entire proposal?" I then said, letting every thought that has been cluttering my mind tumble out, until my words were barely audible.

I looked up at Haymitch, waiting for some kind of response. He didn't dare speak, in case he might get yelled at again.

"The craziest thing is that I didn't come here to complain to you about Peeta's proposal. I came here to ask you if you would do me the honor of walking me down the aisle."

Haymitch choked on the sip he was taking out of his cup at the exact moment. "You say yes?" He asked in complete disbelief.

"I said yes," I said, sounding just as surprised as he did.

* * *

**I know, I know. I haven't been posting as fast as I used to. In fact, I have been posting way slower than I have ever posted before. Hopefully I will get out another chapter by the end of this week. If I don't, again I am very sorry! (Though I do realize that apologizing doesn't make up for anything.) I am just such a busy person these days. **

**I really like this chapter a lot. At first I thought it would be hard to write, because I exactly knew what I wanted it to be like, but it surprisingly came easily. I feel like Katniss and Haymitch are a bit more OC in this chapter. A little more than I usually write them at least. Oh, well. Maybe it's just the alcohol speaking. It doesn't matter. I had fun writing this chapter. **

**Anyways, you know the drill by now. Tell me what you think;) All types of reviews are gladly welcomed (especially the ones that tell me to get off my lazy ass and write more chapters). **


	16. Chapter 16

16

"Katniss," Haymitch yelled. "You couldn't have said yes! That is probably the stupidest thing you have ever done!"

I looked at him, confused. I thought he would have been happy for me. I mean Haymitch is the closest thing to a father I have ever had. I thought he would be glad that to do something as big as that for me.

"You know very well there is no such thing as a 'white wedding' anymore," Haymitch shot at me. For a while there he was right. We basically only went to the Justice building, signed a piece of paper, and then had the toasting. But I wanted my wedding to be like Finnick and Annie's, kind of like my last tribute to them.

"Haymitch you know very well that's not true," I said.

I could see the look of worry spread throughout his entire face. "As you said, marriage means children. I thought you didn't want children."

"I'll deal with that later. That's something for Peeta and I to talk about later. Probably years from now, but that is beside the point," I shot back.

"You just can't marry him. Not right now. Things are going to be crazy for a little bit," he then said.

"What do you mean?"

"Gale is back in town!"

I stared at him for a moment, not registering what he had said. Gale? He was back in town? That didn't even make any sense. Why would Gale be back in town?

"How do you know that? You rarely ever leave your house," I said, barely over a whisper.

"You know very well that they notify me of everyone that comes in and out of District 12 since I have become our representative," he replied.

He was right. In the new government, they have representatives from every district who meet in the Capitol twice a year to discuss whatever they discuss about. At first they asked me to do it, but I basically laughed in their faces. Like I was really going to help them anymore, after all the crap they had given me. Then, they asked Peeta. He basically said the same thing as me, but much more polite. The only other person who would suit the job would be Haymitch, though they tried to avoid asking him since he is such a drunk. But, it seems like he was the best one for the job. He takes it seriously, which is more than Peeta and I would ever do. He actually sobers up both times he travels to the Capitol, and he apparently has a huge influence on the entire council.

I looked down at my empty cup, just wishing that it was full again. Visions of Prim, lovely Prim, past from my eyes. I smiled at her memory. Knowing that she was dead - partially because of me - didn't hurt as much anymore. Of course, the wounds would never heal, but Peeta has helped me put myself back together.

But forgiving Gale was a totally different thing. Partially, because it may have never been his fault in the first place. But the other part was much deeper. We always promised that we would take care of each other. We promised that if one of us died, the other would make sure our family was fed. During the war we promised that if one of us got capture, the other would kill the captured. We promised that we would be friends forever, but I have basically pushed him out of my life. It's not that I blame him for Prim's death. I have learned to blame nobody for things that couldn't have been prevented. It's just our entire relationship is built on broken promises. How could I trust him anymore? How could he trust me? And then there's Peeta. I reassured him that I still wasn't in love with Gale, which I wasn't, but would him being here cause a strain on our relationship?

"Is this why you were doing the dishes?" I asked.

He nodded. I was touched that he was worried about me. I never thought that Haymitch could actually feel something for someone other than himself.

"Maybe marrying Peeta would be a good idea then. That way Gale couldn't come between us," I said.

Haymitch frowned and said, "That's why it's a bad idea. You don't want to marry him for the wrong reasons."

"Peeta proposed to me before I even knew Gale was coming," I replied.

"But Gale has been on your mind for weeks now. I mean seriously, you have never been the one for marriage. Even years ago when you two were on the Victory Tour, you shuddered at the thought, and you were going to be marrying Peeta! So don't you think it's strange that the second somebody brings up a complication you think marriage is the best solution? Katniss, you got to stop running from your problems and face them head on. Maybe one day you will marry Peeta, but it should be because you want to, not because you are worried about somebody else taking you away from him," Haymitch practically shouted at me.

I got up out of the chair and started walking towards the door. "Where do you think you are going?" Haymitch shouted after me.

I turned around and said, "I am not going to sit here and let you lecture me about this. For once in my life, I actually believe I am making the right decision, and I refuse to let you taint that." Then I spun on my heal and left.

The cool air outside felt good on my face. I was hot, and being drunk didn't help very much. I was furious. I wanted to run, to punch somebody, to scream. Life was out to get me. It reminded me of being back in the game. Once you walk out of one dangerous section in the arena, you have just either been pushed into an even worse one or herded towards your death. Maybe even both. That's how my life has been. Just when I get out of one bad situation, I seemed to have just stumbled into a new and worse one.

Was I doing it for the wrong reasons? I truly didn't think so. It was so spontaneous and unexpected, but the first thing I felt after he had asked me was a mixture of happiness and relief. Like I finally got the only thing that could ever make me truly happy, besides Prim coming back. How could something that made me feel like that be wrong?

I walked home, finally giving up any hope of figuring something out. I walked in to find Peeta looking through the book we made. Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked into the smiling faces of the dead.

"We haven't added anybody new in months," Peeta said quietly.

"You say that as if it's a bad thing," I replied.

After I ended up staying in District 12 and Peeta and I got together, we actually made the book commemorating all those who have died due to the Capitol or the Hunger Games. We haven't opened the book since the last time we added a person. Sadly it was Annie. We got a call a while ago, saying that she had died. It was a morning like any other. Peeta was making some type of bread. Probably the kind with the cheese that I like. I had just woken up and was walking downstairs when the phone rang. It wasn't until after I had hung up Peeta saw the tears in my eyes that it had really sunk in. Annie had never really recovered fully from Finnick's death, especially since she was already unstable to begin with. She needed help with everything. She couldn't even raise her own child without help. My mother sort of adopted her after Annie's death. It was especially hard on all of the Victors. Annie was the perfect example of what the Hunger Games did to people. How it can break a person. Losing her was like losing a piece of the Games. Though losing that was good, it came at a high price. I shuttered at the memory.

I then asked, "Why did you take it out in the first place?"

He didn't say anything at first. Then he said slowly, "I was just thinking about how many people won't be able to be there with us."

I was stunned. Peeta was right, as always. There were so many people who won't be able to be there. So many people who I would have loved to see one more time. Just to hear their voice.

"I want to invite Gale," I heard myself saying. At first I was surprised that those words escaped my lips, but as soon as they were out in the open I knew they were true. "There are so many important people in our lives who won't be there. I don't want Gale to be one of those."

Peeta's expression at first was distant and unattached. His eyes were icy, and I thought that my comment was going to lead to another fight. Then, his expression softened and he nodded.

I kissed him softly and said, "Thank you.

* * *

**Yeah, so I finished writing this lovely chapter a while ago. I had just finished it and it was late and I was tired, so I had this brilliant thought. So there I was thinking to myself, "I'll just post this chapter tomorrow. I mean, nothing is going to happen to my computer at all** **between now and then." Well you see, life likes to prove my stupid little thoughts wrong all the time. So my virus blocker thingy (that, let me just say, expired the day before) wasn't working at the moment. So, you know, my computer just HAD to get a virus. **

**So there I was, with a defective computer and being all frustrated and all. My mother was all like, "Give it to me. I'll bring it to the nerds at my job and they'll fix it for you. I'll bring it back by the end of the week," because she's a smart person who works at a smart people institute thingy (though she said it more mom-like). I was all like, "Sure what's the worst that could happen. It's not like this could possibly get any worse." Yeah, well apparently life likes to prove my statements wrong because I ended up not getting back my computer until 7 weeks later.**

**Now, I finally got my computer back and I was all happy and stuff so I was all like "Let me post my lovely chapter now before something else happens." Well, I looked at the chapter and realized that the auto-save only saved half of the chapter. So after retyping the second half of the chapter in like under ten minutes, because at this point in time I was so frustrated that I was about to throw my computer at the wall, I posted this chapter. So that's the story of how this chapter became extremely crappy and about 500 words less. I hope you enjoyed:)**


	17. Chapter 17

17

I took a deep breath. And another. And another. And another.

No matter what I tried I couldn't seem to calm myself. I was pacing around my room in my house, trying not to let my head explode.

My mother was around somewhere trying to handle everything for me, since I was freaking out. Haymitch was banned from all alcohol until after the ceremony was over. I invited Gale, just like I said I would, but he sent me a letter that told me that he didn't want to come. That was it. Five words. No hello or goodbye. It was cold, and it hurt me more than I thought it would. I didn't blame him though. I don't think I would ever want to go to his wedding either.

So basically, everything put together, I was freaking out. Every single time I calmed myself down enough to focus on something, I would start to stress out about something else.

I never thought I would be the kind of bride that would go crazy on her wedding day. Hell, I never thought I would be a bride at all, but apparently I was proving myself wrong about everything in my life these days.

I left my room knowing that the only thing that could calm me down would be Peeta. He would know the exact thing to say to make me feel perfect, but I knew I wouldn't be able to find him. He was with Haymitch planning something, that both of them were trying to keep secret. I couldn't get them to tell me no matter how many times I would ask them.

I hated surprises.

I was going to look for him anyways.

Unfortunately, I passed by a mirror in my house on my expedition to find Peeta. I had told my mother when she was getting me ready that I did not want to be able to see myself. I didn't care if I looked like the prettiest girl on Earth. I knew it was going to end badly if I did, and I was right. I dropped to the floor, curled up into fetal position, and started to hyperventilate.

_What was I thinking! I couldn't get married. I just couldn't get married. _

I was still lying there on the ground an hour later, when Haymitch entered my room. I hadn't even moved an inch. He gently pulled me up off the ground, saying "It's time to go, Sweetheart. This is nothing compared to everything else you did in your life."

I didn't say anything in reply or made any sign that I was going to start walking.

Haymitch frowned. "Peeta is waiting for you. You have put that boy through enough already. Leaving him on your guys' wedding day would be the last straw. I know you love him, so you own him at least this."

I gave Haymitch a confused look. "I wasn't going to leave him," I mumbled.

"Good. Then stop being such a drama queen and get your butt over to town hall. It's time for us to go."

I nodded and started to move towards the door of my house. We exited in silence and continued to walk. Neither of needed to say anything. Everything was already said.

_I love Peeta. I love Peeta. I love Peeta, _I silently chanted to myself. It was the only reason that I kept walking. If there was any chance I could get out of doing this, I would, but I loved him more than anything on this Earth. I could never do that to him.

It wasn't until the two of us were in front of town hall that I finally stopped and looked around. There was nobody outside, which was slightly unusual. Everybody must be glued to their televisions. The new mayor of District 12 insisted that we televise our wedding, making it possible for everybody all across Panem to see it. Since everything was still in a bit of turmoil, nobody was, so to speak, happy about the new way of governing, and everybody knew us, our story, or at least our names, he thought it would be a good way to bring entertainment to the country.

At first I was furious. I didn't want my life to be on camera anymore, but after being talked to by both Haymitch and Peeta, who both said it was probably a good idea, I reluctantly agreed. But, I complained about it every chance I got to.

Anyways, I walked into the building and tried to ignore the cameras as best as I could.

The first thing I saw made me gasp. In the room was everybody I had ever met. People from the Games, others I later met during the rebellion, some I just knew from District 12. Everybody I ever knew and loved was here, including Gale, who was smiling in the front row. I was touched that he came, and almost automatically happy to see him. Even though there were some hard times between the both of us, I knew it didn't matter anymore. I was now trying to live in the present, to understand that I can't change the past, and to wait for what the future brings me. Hopefully Gale would be in that future. I didn't realize how much I missed him until now.

The next thing I noticed was that there were paintings of every person I loved that had died hanging on the walls. There was Finnick, and Rue, and Prim. Prim. Tears welled up in my eyes. "I am so happy that you are here with me today," I whispered to her.

The last thing I noticed was Peeta. He was standing in the front of the room, beaming at me. It was almost as if just seeing me made him better, but that couldn't be right, could it? That's what he does to me. I am a better person when I am with him. But there he was with his goofy grin, standing in the front of the room.

"I hope you like it," Haymitch then whispered. "The two of us have been working on this for who knows how long. Peeta wanted today to be special."

So this was their big surprise. I felt my heart melt. I didn't deserve him.

All of a sudden I seemed to have a vision. I saw two kids running in a yard in front of my house. Both of them looked more like Peeta than me, but I knew they were ours. Haymitch was standing in the background, smiling at the scene. Both the beautiful, young children run up to Peeta and me and give us big hugs.

I then felt tears pour out of my eyes. I wanted that scene. I wanted it so badly, but I knew I wasn't ready for it. I wouldn't be ready to take care of those two little children in a very long time, but standing in town hall, doing what I was doing, made me realize I had nothing but time.

I could wait, and Peeta would wait with me. We would grow old together, have grandchildren maybe one day. I would tell my children about why their parents are famous. I would tell them why their father will never be completely healed, and neither will I. I will tell them about how there is good in the world and that there is also bad, but that is okay. I will wake up next to Peeta for the rest of my life, and never feel a single bit of sorrow over it.

I walked up to Peeta, Haymitch guiding the way. He gave me a awkward half-hug when I finally got there, and I smiled at him.

The ceremony was short and formal. Peeta and I signed all of the legal papers. There was a short, chaste kiss at the end. We went back to our house and had the toasting. It was simple but perfect. There was nothing more I could ever ask for.


End file.
